Does it ever feel like some days you’re on the same wavelength as your partner, and others, you’re living parallel lives under the same roof? The subtle signs of emotional distance in a relationship don’t mean your relationship is beyond repair. However, if you start to notice them, it might be time to tune in, reflect, and take action.

Maybe it’s the slow accumulation of daily stressors or the small but mounting missed opportunities for connection. Maybe it’s one big event that led you off the path of growing together. Emotional distance in a relationship can happen for a variety of reasons, and regardless of the underlying cause, even the strongest couples aren’t immune.

Here, we’ll explore what emotional distance might look like in a relationship, break down what might be causing it, and offer practical steps to reconnect.

What Emotional Distance Looks and Feels Like

It’s normal to go through rough patches or bad days in a relationship. However, emotional distance is more than that. It’s a pattern of feeling unheard, unseen, or consistently misunderstood by your partner. Emotional distance often creeps in slowly, so it may be hard to pinpoint exactly when things started to change. Do any of these things feel familiar?

• Reduced communication: Conversations feel routine or surface-level. Perhaps you no longer share your hopes and dreams as you once did. 
• Lack of physical affection: Physical touch, intimacy, or affirmations become forced or infrequent over time.
• Roommate energy: You may feel polite but emotionally disconnected, as though you are co-managers of a household rather than a unified team.
• Avoiding discussions about deeper emotions: One or both partners may steer clear of vulnerable topics, finding it easier to keep things light than to risk conflict or discomfort.
• Feeling alone: One or both partners feel isolated, even when the other is present.
  

It’s important to recognize that emotional detachment doesn’t mean you don’t care about each other. While it can be painful to confront head-on, it’s something that can be worked on when both partners are committed to putting in the effort toward making a meaningful change.

What Causes Emotional Distance in Relationships

Rebuilding connection in a relationship starts with identifying the root of the emotional distance. There often isn’t just one root cause of emotional detachment, but rather a mix of circumstances, habits, and even emotional patterns.

Unresolved conflict or resentment

Practicing healthy conflict resolution in a relationship is key to preventing and mending emotional distance. When left unresolved, even small conflicts can quietly erode emotional intimacy. Unspoken frustrations can snowball into simmering resentment over time, not necessarily because one argument was so damaging, but because a resolution was never reached. This can lead to avoidance in the place of vulnerability, and emotional walls going up. 

Life transitions and external stress

Major life changes — like having a baby, getting a new job, or taking on caregiver responsibility for aging parents — can demand more of your attention, potentially leaving less time and energy to focus on your relationship. Even if you’re functioning well as a team, you may still feel disconnected during these periods. Exhaustion can present an additional barrier to emotional closeness.

Mismatched emotional needs

Perhaps one partner wants to talk at the end of the day, while the other prefers quiet time to decompress. These differing emotional needs can lead to misunderstandings, where one feels rejected and the other feels pressured. It’s not about who’s right; people simply have different ways of coping. Without open communication, both may end up feeling unseen. 

Avoidance of vulnerability

Vulnerability requires the courage to sit with and share uncomfortable feelings, and it doesn’t come naturally to everyone. Some people grew up learning to hide feelings or avoid conflict, so they shut down instead of opening up. Others might fear being judged, misunderstood, or rejected. When both partners stop sharing what’s really going on inside, even the strongest relationships can start to feel distant or emotionally flat.

“Emotional distance is not an overnight occurrence. It occurs over a period of time and often through repeated actions that lead to less communication. Stress, repeated conflict, and lack of communication about emotions/needs are some reasons why the distance grows until it’s cavernous, and we are unsure of how to bridge the gap. With time and effort, with a therapist, that bridge is possible.”

– Talkspace therapist Minkyung Chung, MS, LMHC

The Emotional Impact of Growing Apart

Emotional distance in marriage or serious relationships can be a vicious cycle and even a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you start to feel like you’re losing your partner on an emotional level, it can cause further emotional withdrawal due to fear, confusion, or anxiety.

Without open dialogue, it’s hard to know where you stand. You might wonder, “Is something wrong, or am I just overthinking in my relationship? Are they upset? Are they feeling this too? Do they still care?” The lack of clarity can be as painful as the widening invisible wedge.

One partner may start “over-functioning,” trying to “fix things,” while the other pulls away. Others might emotionally shut down to avoid further hurt as a way of numbing themselves to get through the day. When these habits become ingrained over time, they can lead to problems with intimacy, trust, or even thoughts of separation or divorce.

Steps to Reconnect and Repair Emotional Distance

The good news is that when there’s mutual commitment on both ends, couples can bounce back from emotional detachment or distance. Research shows that couples who prioritize higher emotional awareness and stronger boundaries (a concept known as differentiation of self) experience better communication and improved relationship satisfaction in the long run. Individuals with a strong sense of self are also more likely to stay calm during conflict and reconnect after periods of emotional distance — and that stability often helps their partner, too.

Name the disconnection together

Start by acknowledging drift without blame. This can be as simple as saying, “I’ve been feeling distant from you lately, and I miss us.” Naming the problem invites mutual awareness and opens the door to vulnerability. Try to resist the urge to fix things right away. Focus on establishing mutual understanding first. By speaking from your own experience, you help create a safe space for your partner to do the same.

Rebuild emotional safety through honest communication

Without emotional safety, honest conversations can feel risky, leading one or both partners to stay guarded or keep quiet. Rebuilding emotional safety starts with listening without interruption, responding with empathy, and avoiding defensiveness. You can even try effective couples communication exercises to rebuild your rapport. Over time, the small shifts in how you speak and listen to each other create room for rebuilding trust and a deeper connection. 

Prioritize intentional time together

You don’t need to plan a big romantic getaway to prioritize quality time together. Maybe just start by having your morning coffee together without phones. Be intentional about checking in with each other without putting too much pressure on yourself or your partner to open up. 

Reignite curiosity about each other

If you’ve been in a relationship with the same person for many years, it might feel like you already know everything about them. However, that doesn’t mean you should stop asking real questions. 

Genuine curiosity is a powerful and often overlooked tool for kindling reconnection. Explore each other’s changing interests, challenges, or hopes with questions like, “What’s something you’ve been working toward lately?” or “Is there anything you wish I understood about you better?” Even if you think you already know the answer, you might be surprised by what your partner chooses to share.

Set small, achievable intimacy goals

Emotional distance in a relationship doesn’t happen overnight, and neither does the solution. Take advantage of moments when you’re feeling especially connected with your partner to sit down and set realistic relationship goals for improving connection and mending distance. This might look like being intentional about checking in when one person is traveling or scheduling a weekly check-in to touch base. 

“Clients will often say that they want to get back what they once had. While this isn’t possible as the past is in the past, it is possible to update and rebuild new connections to allow for a more genuine relationship that allows for the growth and changes to also be recognized. Taking on this journey with a professional allows for the couple to learn new tools and have the guidance they need to learn how to communicate effectively again to bridge that gap the emotional distance created.”

– Talkspace therapist Minkyung Chung, MS, LMHC

When To Consider Professional Support

Sometimes, despite your best efforts, conversations feel unproductive, or emotions get too big to manage on your own. If you’re finding it hard to find new ways to communicate without shutting down or arguing, or if emotional wounds keep resurfacing, it might be a sign you need couples therapy. Couples therapy or marriage counseling can offer a neutral, structured space where both parties feel heard, seen, and respected. By working with a trained therapist, you can learn to navigate difficult topics more easily and learn how to rebuild trust in a relationship.

Seeking help through couples therapy techniques or other avenues isn’t a sign that your relationship has failed; it’s a sign of renewed commitment to the person you fell in love with in the first place. It’s okay to be skeptical at first, but also leave room for the possibility that therapy might not just repair the relationship but even strengthen it in new or surprising ways. 

Moving Forward Together

Repairing emotional distance in a relationship might not be a linear path, but it doesn’t have to be the end of your story. With awareness, honesty, and small but consistent effort, rebuilding connection is possible. When you show up, stay curious, and choose each other again and again, you can move forward with confidence and hope.

Whether you’re navigating emotional distance in marriage or a long-term relationship, you don’t have to do it all on your own. Talkspace offers access to licensed professional therapists trained in repairing relationship challenges and fostering emotional reconnection. With flexible online couples therapy, you can begin healing from wherever you are. Explore the benefits of couples therapy to begin improving your relationship today. 

A note about AI: On the Talkspace blog we aim to provide trustworthy coverage of all the mental health topics people might be curious about, by delivering science-backed, clinician-reviewed information. Our articles on artificial intelligence (AI) and how this emerging technology may intersect with mental health and healthcare are designed to educate and add insights to this cultural conversation. We believe that therapy, at its core, is focused around the therapeutic connection between human therapists and our members. At Talkspace we only use ethical and responsible AI tools that are developed in partnership with our human clinicians. These tools aren’t designed to replace qualified therapists, but to enhance their ability to keep delivering high-quality care. To learn more, visit our AI-supported therapy page.

Have you ever texted through an argument? Sent a meme or reel to break the ice after a confrontation? Used a dating app? Digital tools and technology are already a part of relationships today, so it may not come as a surprise to learn that artificial intelligence (AI) is also entering the field of therapy. Couples are increasingly using it to navigate communication issues and conflict and foster connections with their partners.    

AI-assisted couples therapy platforms utilize tools such as chatbots, relationship apps, and AI-guided check-ins, and they’re transforming the world of couples counseling. If you’re intrigued by how AI is being used for couples therapy, what it can (and can’t) do, and what you should know before trying it, keep reading. We’re exploring everything you need to know about AI couples therapy.

How AI Is Being Used in Couples Therapy Today

AI in couples therapy and marriage counseling is quickly becoming a go-to resource for many people. AI offers new, innovative, cost-effective ways to support couples. From chatbots like ChatGPT to smart apps, AI-accessible tools can help you communicate and grow with your partner. So, how is AI therapy used for relationships?

Chatbot-based pre-therapy assessments

If you’re thinking about AI couples therapy but feel anxious about where or how to start, chatbots might be a good place to begin. AI-powered bots create an easy way to engage with the therapeutic process. You can ask chatbots questions about your relationship, communication habits you’re struggling with, or areas where you have conflict. 

A chatbot’s assessment of your concerns can be less intimidating than working with a real therapist for the first time. You can share information upfront in a low-stakes way, and chatbots can clarify your goals and even offer tools you might find beneficial.    

Communication tracking and conflict pattern analysis

It’s common to feel like you’re on a hamster wheel when it comes to arguments and conflict in your relationship. 

If you constantly have the same argument over and over, AI tools might be able to identify patterns leading up to or contributing to your issues. In one study, machine learning was able to recognize emotions in the speech couples used in therapy with 90% accuracy. The insights these tools offer can help you identify triggers, track emotional responses, and develop healthier communication skills.

AI-assisted relationship coaching apps

Relationship coaching apps powered by AI provide on-demand support. This can be useful for couples who struggle to express their feelings or navigate difficult conversations. These apps use natural language processing (NLP) to understand tone and intent. This allows them to provide personalized feedback and tips that can promote meaningful, healthy connections.

Some examples of AI-assisted relationship coaching apps include: 

App name	Key features	How it supports relationships
Paired	Daily conversation prompts Relationship check-ins AI-curated exercises	Helps with communication  Resolves conflict
Relish	AI-driven personalization Individualized advice Guided therapy sessions Weekly planning	Offers advice and plans based on personalities and relationship goals
Maia	AI coaching Guidance Informal chat Proactive insights Interactive activities	Delivers personalized advice and activities focused on connecting with your partner
PAIRS Yodi Relationship Coach	AI-powered personalized relationship coaching Practical skills Progress tracking	Provides practical skills Tracks progress to help your relationship grow

Guided conversation prompts and journaling tools

It can be easy for partners to fall into a rut, especially when it comes to patterns of miscommunication. Guided prompts and journaling are great tools that can help you break the cycle. 

AI-driven tools and conversation starters can help you and your partner reflect, clarify, and discuss sensitive topics with empathy and grace. These tools can be useful before real therapy sessions, helping you organize your thoughts, so your time is more productive. They can also allow you to process what happened in an argument, so you can move forward in healthy ways and stop repeating the same mistakes. 

Hybrid models (AI + human therapists)

Hybrid models that combine AI and human therapists can be the best of both worlds for your relationship. The AI component offers real-time feedback, and interaction with a licensed, qualified mental health professional can go more in-depth into your issues. 

For example, AI can analyze communication patterns and suggest effective communication exercises for couples, and a therapist can then use the data you provide to tailor sessions to address the more complex problems you’re facing. Combining the two can make therapy as efficient and effective as possible, yielding superior results compared to using either couples therapy technique alone. 

Can AI Actually Be Helpful for Couples Therapy?

It’s normal to wonder if technology can really help your relationship grow. You also might worry about it adding more noise. Many couples see benefits from using AI-powered tools. The results can be even more impactful if you’re just starting therapy or you can’t regularly commit to in-person or online sessions. 

Benefits of Using AI For Couples Counseling

AI couples therapy isn’t a magic fix, but research and reviews indicate that it can provide meaningful and impactful support that enhances and strengthens relationships. Here’s how AI is transforming couples therapy and where AI tools for therapy stand out the most.

• Accessible: AI-powered tools are accessible 24/7. You can find support when you need it. Even if it’s late at night after an argument or during a busy workday, AI is there. If you can’t afford therapy, AI also offers a free alternative. 
• Personalized feedback: AI can analyze unique communication patterns in seconds. It can offer insights and effective strategies that will address the heart of your issues. 
• Real-time support: Especially during heated moments, AI tools provide immediate feedback, which can prevent things from escalating further. It can suggest calming exercises or remind you to stop and listen before responding.
• Enhanced self-reflection: Apps that offer journaling tools and conversation prompts help you become more aware of your emotions, feelings, and triggers. They can also help you improve self-understanding and develop empathy toward your partner. 
• Low-stakes entry point: If you’re hesitant about seeing a therapist or are unsure of how to start therapy, AI can be a safe, non-intimidating first step.
• Convenience: AI can be a convenient option if you’re new to therapy, have time constraints, or are in a long-distance relationship that makes traditional couples counseling more challenging. 

“The implementation of AI as a tool for helping couples therapy can be beneficial. It’s about how to meld the information given to you through AI and using your own voice with it. For instance, you may want to communicate an issue that isn’t a ‘big issue’ but something that needs to be addressed. You can use AI to help craft a template that may sound neutral but also informative of the situation. Adding your own spin to it helps it be more personable. It does not replace the need to talk and use your own voice. AI statements can sound robotic and emotionless because they are.”

– Talkspace therapist Minkyung Chung, MS, LMHC

Risks and Limitations of AI for Couples Therapy

AI tools for therapy are exciting, but they’re not entirely without risk. AI isn’t going to be the perfect solution for every relationship, and there are limitations to consider before you commit to using AI for advice in your love life. 

AI can misinterpret emotional nuance between partners

One of the areas where AI excels is identifying patterns, but it struggles with some of the more subtle emotional cues that shape interactions with your partner. 

For example, ChatGPT and other chatbots often miss sarcasm, and they can’t see body language, both of which are essential context clues a therapist can use to get to the root of your relationship issues. 

Chatbots also don’t know the history behind an argument or repeated problems you continue to encounter. Deeper layers of your relationship can go unnoticed, including unspoken words or resentments that have developed over a long period. 

“With the use of AI, we can forget that the information we receive isn’t from a person because of the way it communicates the information that was found. However, it is important to remember that the information given through AI is a broad search of material on the internet, given to us in a way that is easier to read. So the information may be accurate, but the emotional question asked may not be truly addressed. Sometimes, it’s not about the information given but the reaction given that is important. AI can’t discern the difference.”

– Talkspace therapist Minkyung Chung, MS, LMHC

Generic advice may oversimplify complex relationship issues

Your relationship is unique and deeply personal. It’s shaped by factors like culture, values, and life experiences—not just with your current partner, but also from past relationships. While AI can share effective strategies a lot of the time, it often relies on more general advice that may not fit your exact situation. This can become a problem when you’re dealing with things like trauma, broken trust, or cultural or religious differences that demand a deeper understanding and a more empathic approach. 

Lack of human mediation can escalate conflict

If you’re dealing with an escalated conflict or deep-seated problem in your relationship, you might need more than the script or prompt AI can provide. 

Sometimes, a human response is necessary to navigate the really tough conversations. If you’re relying on AI-guided discussions, you might feel misunderstood or unheard. While trained therapists can read between the lines, pick up on body language, and understand your history, AI might not provide the same level of emotional safety you need to heal or grow in your relationship. 

“Couples therapy is important when the two partners are struggling within the relationship. It isn’t just about advice about the situation, but also the counselor’s ability to see the nuances of the situation to understand how to de-escalate a situation or even provide insight based on observation. AI, like ChatGPT, can’t do that. There is no ability to observe the situation. Rather ,relying solely on AI to help with relationship issues can be like reading a script and hoping it will make sense.”

– Talkspace therapist Minkyung Chung, MS, LMHC

Privacy concerns around shared conversations

AI therapy is new enough that privacy concerns understandably exist surrounding its use. Couples counseling involves being vulnerable and sharing deeply personal details you probably wouldn’t feel comfortable telling just anyone. Most tools today promise confidentiality and safekeeping of your personal information, but they’re not bound by the same ethical standards and laws that human therapists have. 

Data breaches and questionable retention and sharing practices can put sensitive information at risk. It’s crucial to explore the privacy statements of any platform or tool you’re considering to ensure your data is protected. 

Not suitable for crisis or high-conflict relationships

If your relationship is at a crisis point or you’re dealing with high-conflict dynamics, AI might not be the best tool for you. This becomes even more critical if safety or mental health concerns are evident. Situations like these should be handled by a licensed and trained mental health professional who can utilize their expertise, knowledge, and empathy to provide effective support. 

Will AI Replace Traditional Couples Therapy?

Technology will continue to evolve, and the power of AI in couples therapy will likely grow with it. Many couples today find this concerning as they seek support and attempt to heal their relationship. 

The truth is, no one really knows exactly how AI will transform couples therapy, or how AI and mental health will evolve in general​. What we do know is that human connection is irreplaceable when it comes to therapy. AI can complement the process, but it can’t replace the empathy, adaptive insight, and real-time emotional presence a therapist offers. Human-led therapy remains the gold standard for couples therapy, especially if you’re dealing with complex relationship issues. 

Therapy is more than just advice. It’s about being seen and heard by someone who understands and can help you do the deeper work necessary to heal and grow. 

Contact Talkspace today to learn more about how online couples therapy can take your relationship to the next level. With AI-supported therapy, you can get the best of both worlds.

If you’ve ever felt the sting after a comment or “joke” that felt just a little bit off, especially if it came from your partner, you’re probably not imagining things. Microaggressions, which are subtle, biased, discriminatory behaviors, can cut deep. Maybe you walked away from an interaction feeling rejected. You might have felt confused or guilty, wondering if you made too much out of it. This kind of emotional tug-of-war is common when dealing with microaggressions in a relationship, and your feelings are completely valid.

Learning to navigate microaggressions in a close relationship is challenging. You may feel torn between your instinct to protect yourself and your desire to maintain peace with someone you care deeply about. If you’ve ever struggled to find the right words to explain how you’re feeling, you’ve come to the right place. 

Continue reading to learn practical tools that will help you deal with microaggressions in your relationship.

Understanding Microaggressions in Relationships

Microaggressions are the slight, often unintentional, comments and behaviors that demonstrate disrespect, bias, or dismissiveness. Even if they’re not intentional, microaggressions can be hurtful since they’re statements based on your identity (race, gender, sexual orientation, age, or ability). While microaggressions in the workplace are more commonly discussed and may be easier to identify, dealing with them in an intimate relationship is incredibly challenging.

In romantic partnerships, microaggressions can take several forms, targeting your gender, race, or other aspects of your identity. Because you’re supposed to be vulnerable in relationships and trust your partner, these moments can be particularly hurtful and are often a common challenge in interracial relationships.

Some examples of what micro microaggressions look like in relationships may include:

• Micro-invalidations: These are comments or actions that undermine or dismiss your experience. For example, you might tell your partner a story about a time you faced discrimination or racial trauma at work, and they reply with something like: “I really don’t think this is about race,” causing you to feel unseen or unheard.
• Micro-insults: These are subtle put-downs, insults, or backhanded compliments that reinforce harmful stereotypes. This might look like your partner being surprised when you finally achieve something you’ve been working towards. They might make a joke like “you’re not like other people from your background.”
• Micro-assaults: These are more overt and seemingly intentional slights, like a derogatory joke towards women or minorities that’s later brushed off. After insulting you, they say something like “Relax. I was just kidding.” 

The Emotional Toll of Microaggressions 

Microaggressions carry an emotional weight that, even if they feel minor at the time, accumulate over time. Research suggests that racial microaggressions can affect physical and mental health, contributing to everything from high blood pressure to cardiovascular conditions to anxiety. It stands to reason that the same can be true when it comes to microaggressive behavior in intimate relationships as well. 

The expression “death by a thousand cuts” perfectly describes how small slights can erode your sense of psychological safety and how you trust others over time. Microaggressions in relationships damage emotional intimacy, cause stress, and make you feel invalidated and alienated. You might suddenly start questioning your reality or withdraw emotionally to protect yourself. The urge to try and process or justify your feelings can leave you feeling exhausted and unable to connect with your partner.

How to Recognize and Name Microaggressions in Your Relationship

It’s normal to wonder if what you’re experiencing is a true microaggression or if your partner just made an odd comment. You might question your judgment and feel like you’re being overly sensitive. You might also worry about rocking the boat or be hesitant to confront your partner after they make a questionable comment.

“Microaggressions in relationships are difficult to recognize because they are coming from a person who is close to them and they can appear harmless. However, it is important to measure their effects versus the intention. Microaggressions can cause the receiver to feel belittled, undermined or gaslit based on a part of their identity.”  

Talkspace Therapist Reshawna Chapple, PhD, LCSW

Tune into your own experience and learn to identify microaggressions by:

• Paying attention to your emotional response: Did their comment make you feel unseen, stereotyped, or dismissed? Did you experience a sudden drop in mood? Did you feel the need to defend your identity?
• Tuning into your body: Did you experience any physical reactions, like increased tension, a racing heart, or feeling immediately drained? 
• Thinking about the context: Was the comment made when you were in a vulnerable moment? Was it said in front of others, so you felt exposed or embarrassed? 
• Reflecting on patterns that have developed: Is this a one-time slip? Or have you noticed a pattern of these types of comments and behaviors?
• Challenging yourself with questions: Ask yourself, “Am I hesitant to bring this up because I don’t want to be labeled ‘too sensitive’ or told that I’m overreacting or being difficult”?
• Watching for lingering effects: Do you replay comments or conversations over in your head hours or even days later? Is it hard to let go of what was said? Persistent rumination might signal that something deeper was triggered. 

It’s OK if you feel confused or conflicted as you try to understand microaggressions in your relationship, especially if you don’t fully get the difference between passive-aggressive vs. microaggressive. Talking to a trusted friend, family member, or therapist can help you figure out how to deal with microaggressions. 

	Passive-aggressive comments	Microaggressions
What it is	Comments made when someone is bothered but uncomfortable with direct communication.	Comments or actions (intentional or not) that reinforce stereotypes or stigmas about marginalized groups.
Example	“I guess I’ll just do it myself since you’re too busy.”	“You’re so articulate for someone from your neighborhood.”
Cause	Likely motivated by frustration or conflict avoidance.	Often motivated by implicit bias or stereotypes, even if they’re unintentional.

How to Talk to Your Partner About Microaggressions

Opening up to your partner about microaggressions can be scary. It’s normal to worry about them misunderstanding you. Since microaggressions often cause feelings of being dismissed, that’s an understandable fear as well. You might be afraid you’ll start a new argument. 

However, as uncomfortable as it is, addressing these moments is crucial for your own well-being and for the health of your relationship. Having strategies in place will help you guide the conversation so it’s productive and not contentious. Remember: assertiveness isn’t aggression. It’s respectful honesty. 

If you’re wondering how to communicate in a relationship as you respond to microaggressions, consider the following tips.

Choose the right moment and setting

When you’re dealing with any relationship problem, timing and environment are crucial. Find a space and time that’s private and feels safe for both of you. You don’t want to be distracted or stressed. A calm and neutral setting ensures both of you feel open and ready to have an honest conversation.

Use “I” statements and impact language

“I” statements are powerful ways to approach difficult situations without putting your partner on edge. As you explain, focus on how their comments and behavior make you feel, and resist the urge to accuse or blame them. 

Using “I” statements is a healthy communication exercise for couples. It tells your partner that you hear what they’re saying and you’re not going to attack them. “I” statements can open the door to empathy and understanding on both parts.

These are some successful ways to use “I” statements to address microaggressions:

• When you said ______ , I felt hurt and unseen.
• I know you probably didn’t mean it this way, but the comment you made about ______ made me uncomfortable. It felt like a stereotype.
• I felt very hurt when you made that comment about my background. It reminded me of times I’ve encountered stereotypes about my race in the past.
• I want to feel confident that you take my experiences seriously, even when they’re different from yours. I felt hurt and dismissed after I tried to talk to you about ______. 
• I feel disconnected when I think you’re dismissing my feelings. I really wish we would discuss it.

Set boundaries with compassion

Boundaries are an essential part of any healthy relationship. They’re not about punishing your partner. They protect your emotional safety and can help you and your partner become closer. It’s OK to be very clear about what you need moving forward.

“If a partner is interested in listening and trying to understand why their works hurt you it is a good indication that they are willing to make a change. Be clear about why the words hurt and what you would have liked to hear instead. Additionally, be clear and consistent in naming future infractions if the behavior continues.”

Talkspace Therapist Reshawna Chapple, PhD, LCSW

Some boundaries you can set for your partner are:

• I want to avoid jokes about my background because they make me uncomfortable.
• I truly care about our connection, but I need to pause our conversations if they start to feel overwhelming.
• I appreciate your perspective, but I don’t like jokes about my identity. They hurt me, even if you think they’re lighthearted.
• It’s important to me that we’re both comfortable sharing our experiences. Can we try to listen to each other without interrupting or minimizing one another?
• I’m prioritizing my own well-being, so I might ask for some alone time after we have a difficult conversation. Please know that I’m not trying to shut you out—I just need some space to process what happened.

Healing from Microaggressions in Your Relationship

As hurtful as they can be, healing from microaggressions in a relationship is possible. It will take time and effort, and your partner will need to take accountability. An apology is a good start, but it usually takes more than that to make things right. Actions speak louder than words when it comes to rebuilding trust.

Practicing assertiveness

You always have the right to speak up when you’re feeling hurt. It can feel uncomfortable when you first do it, but practicing assertiveness honors your feelings and needs. You don’t need to minimize what you’re feeling for the sake of harmony in your relationship.

Encouraging self-education 

If you open up to your partner about your feelings regarding microaggressions and they seem committed to change, encourage them to educate themselves more about what microaggressions are and how implicit bias works. 

You can encourage your partner to educate themselves with:

• Books
• Articles
• Podcasts
• Online resources 
• Support groups
• Therapy (both individual and couples counseling can be beneficial to each person in the relationship)

Revisiting boundaries

Even if you previously set boundaries, they can shift as you heal and your relationship grows. Check in with yourself regularly to determine if you need new boundaries.

Ask yourself questions like:

• Do I need something different from my partner now? 
• Do I feel safe and respected? 
• What can my partner do differently to help me?
• Am I speaking confidently about my needs? 

Attending therapy

The wounds microaggressions cause in a relationship can become deeply ingrained. This is especially true when they’re tied to past trauma or ongoing patterns. Therapy, whether you go individually or as a couple, is a safe space to process your feelings. You’ll learn healthy, practical communication skills, and you can practice working through challenges together as a team. 

“Couples therapy might help if a partner refuses to change the negative behavior or refuses to accept responsibility for the continued use of microaggressions. A therapist can mediate and teach skills to improve communication.”

Talkspace Therapist Reshawna Chapple, PhD, LCSW

Online therapy platforms like Talkspace make getting therapy easier than ever. You can connect with an experienced licensed therapist who understands how microaggressions affect a relationship.

Not every relationship will be able to heal from microaggressions. Sometimes, the best choice is to walk away from the person causing you distress. However, with the right support, guidance, and care, many relationships can recover and even become stronger. 

If you’re ready to take the next step, Talkspace offers online couples counseling and individual therapy to help you navigate any relationship challenges. You deserve to feel seen and respected, and Talkspace can help. Get started with online couples therapy today.

Queerplatonic relationships (QPRs) are deeply committed, intense partnerships. The emotional component goes far beyond a typical friendship but defies the norms of traditional sexual and romantic relationships. QPRs can be confusing and are often misunderstood because they don’t fit neatly into society’s expectations about monogamy, sexuality, or romance. 

If you’re struggling to identify, explain, or understand a close bond you share with someone, it can help to explore what queerplatonic relationships are, how to recognize them, and the challenges you might be facing. Keep reading to learn more about connections that offer companionship, stability, and love that’s different from anything else in your life. ​

What Is a Queerplatonic Relationship?

A queerplatonic relationship may have the same emotional depth as a romantic relationship, just without the romance or sexual intimacy. Here, “queer” doesn’t necessarily refer to the different gender identities or the sexuality spectrum. It breaks from the standards of heteronormativity (the belief that being straight and identifying as the gender you were assigned at birth is “normal”) and amatonormativity (the belief that monogamy, romance, and traditional relationships are best). 

QPRs can take many forms. You might recognize some of the following examples if you’ve ever had a life-defining relationship that’s not sexual or romantic. 

Examples of queerplatonic relationships can include:

• Cohabiting best friends: You make big life decisions together and view one another as life partners without the romance or sexual intimacy.
• QPR triads or groups: You share living spaces with multiple people and support each other emotionally, physically, practically, and financially. 
• Chosen family members: You’re committed to offering lifelong support and share responsibilities like co-parenting and finances while making future plans together. 
• “Zucchinis”: A playful term within the LGBTQIA+ community. It was coined to describe relationships that go beyond friendships but aren’t sexual or romantic in nature. 
• Mutual life supporters: Even if you live separately, you are each other’s primary support—emotionally, financially, and during important life moments. 
• Long-distance QPRs: You live in different cities, states, or even countries while staying deeply committed to and invested in one another’s well-being. 
• Friends with cuddle benefits: You share a common love language of physical touch, cuddle regularly, hold hands, and sleep in the same bed without sexual attraction or deeper physical intimacy. 

How to Know If You’re in a Queerplatonic Relationship

There’s no official checklist that classifies a queerplatonic relationship, but there are some signs. If you’re wondering if your relationship qualifies as a QPR, the following exercises can help you know for sure.  

Reflecting on your emotional closeness and commitment

Emotional closeness and commitment are central to QPRs. If your emotional bond feels like it’s more than a typical platonic friendship, you might be in a queerplatonic relationship. Do you plan your future or discuss growing old together? Do you support each other through major life events and challenges? Depending on your answers, you might start to realize your closest connection and partner doesn’t “fit” usual labels. 

Identifying a desire for partnership without romance or sex

When a connection is life-defining but not sexual or romantic, you may be in a QPR. For example, you can’t imagine your life without them, but you’ve never felt a desire for romance. It’s worth noting that QPRs can be very healthy. Research shows strong, supportive relationships, even without sex, can enhance well-being and improve resilience. 

Noticing shared responsibilities or life decisions

You don’t have to be in what society deems a “traditional” relationship to be committed partners. You can still share finances, living spaces, and caregiving roles. A deep connection like this can even lead to adopting pets together, listing each other as emergency contacts, or opening joint bank accounts. These signs all indicate a deeply committed relationship that’s built on mutual respect and care, without involving sex.   

Feeling misaligned with traditional relationship labels

Relationship labels, like just friends, best friends, or roommates, might feel inadequate as you try to describe the extent of your connection. It can be difficult to explain your bond with a queerplatonic partner in a way that others understand. 

“Validating nontraditional relationships can improve emotional wellness because you are acknowledging, possibly prioritizing, deeper soul connections. Our love connections that expand our hearts are meaningful and cathartic. They can transform us into more compassionate and present versions of ourselves.”

– Talkspace therapist Dr. Karmen Smith LCSW DD

How QPRs Challenge Traditional Relationship Models

Much of society prioritizes sexual, romantic partnerships as the “norm.” Creating an amatonormativity hierarchy like this makes nontraditional bonds feel less important or not valid. The reality, though, is that having an emotional, intimate connection with another human doesn’t have to be exclusive to romance.

Being in a QPR challenges traditional norms. You can define your relationship on your terms, rather than just following outside expectations or demands. A QPR can offer all the benefits you’d find in any meaningful relationship, including:

• Stability
• Long-term companionship
• A chosen family (something that’s particularly important for the LGBTQIA+ community or anyone without biological family support)
• Freedom to redefine boundaries
• Space for inclusivity 
• Emotional safety
• Empowerment

Navigating Communication and Boundaries in a QPR

No relationship follows a script or playbook. Communication and creating healthy relationship boundaries are just as crucial in QPRs as it is in any partnership. Together, you can decide what your relationship looks like and how you describe it, but it must work for both of you.   

To keep your relationship strong and healthy, focus on the basics—like using labels you both feel good about, talking about commitment, and agreeing on how you’ll manage external pressures. 

Establishing shared definitions and labels

Discuss how you and your partner see your relationship. Have open conversations about language that “feels right” and honors your commitment to one another. 

If “best friend” fits and is comfortable, feel free to use that. If “life partner” feels more authentic, use that instead. The important thing is to make sure you’re both OK with the language you use that defines and explains your connection.

Discussing expectations and commitment

Effective communication is the foundation of a strong relationship. As you navigate any type of partnership—romantic, platonic, or queerplatonic—having frank conversations and defining healthy expectations will strengthen your bond.  

For relationships to thrive, being on the same page is critical. Talk about things like what does exclusivity mean to each of you? Is this a priority? Are you emotionally available to one another? Do you want to live together? What are your long-term goals and dreams for a future together? 

Managing external assumptions and pressures

It can be confusing and painful to feel misunderstood, especially when it comes to your relationship. It’s hard to have friends, family, or society barrage you with questions like: Are you dating?, Are you together?, or When will you finally settle down?

One way to overcome these challenges (and protect your emotional and mental well-being along the way) is to have a plan for how you respond. You might even decide ahead of time not to engage at all. Knowing that your relationship is valid and not feeling the need to explain that to others can be empowering. 

If you do decide to respond, the following tips will help keep conversations productive, safe, and on track:

• Use clear and straightforward language
• Set friend and family boundaries
• Only open up when you’re comfortable sharing
• Redirect the conversation when needed
• Affirm your commitment to and the value of your queerplatonic relationship

“Intentional communication can help affirm the legitimacy of any relationship and protect the emotional health of those involved by “being authentic.” When our words are a vibrational match to our emotions, we are being authentic or our true self. When we set an intention around communicating in this way regarding our relationships, we score a win, and we give ourselves permission to grow together. Authentic communication is a sign of internal growth.”

– Talkspace therapist Dr. Karmen Smith LCSW DD

Supporting Queerplatonic Relationships Within Your Community

Recognition, support, and affirmation matter. When family, friends, and therapists support and acknowledge your QPR without judgment or assumptions, it helps you feel valued and seen in your relationships. 

There are many ways to support the LGBTQIA+ community and QPRs, including:

• Respect and use preferred language and labels
• Honor boundaries
• Follow through on commitments
• Value the partnership, even if it’s not ‘traditional’
• Be inclusive and include QPR partners in family celebrations, gatherings, and other life events
• Celebrate milestones and rituals
• Get educated about diversity in relationships
• Listen without judgment
• Show up and be present

Online and face-to-face community spaces play a vital role in honoring QPR bonds. It’s important to seek out groups that normalize, celebrate, and recognize relationship diversity. This can go a long way in reducing stigma and offering a sense of belonging.

Moving Forward: Honoring the Validity of Nontraditional Bonds

If you feel like your most important relationship doesn’t fit neatly into a box, you’re not alone. Remember that queerplatonic relationships are just as real and valuable as romantic or familial ones. Honor your bonds and recognize that love, commitment, and support can show up in countless ways in your life. 

Reflect on relationships that defy traditional categories but still provide deep and meaningful support. If you need guidance on how to navigate a nontraditional connection, or you want to explore identity-affirming relationships or understand labels, consider the benefits of couples therapy or individual counseling. Talkspace offers online couples therapy to help you navigate a queerplatonic relationship together.

If you’re ready to define a connection on your own terms but need tailored guidance and relationship advice, connect with an online Talkspace therapist today to find the support you need.

We’ve all been there. One second you’re in the middle of an argument, and the next, your partner suddenly goes silent. They avert their gaze, refusing to respond and abruptly shutting you out. This experience — known as stonewalling — is beyond frustrating, and over time, it can chip away at the emotional foundation of a relationship.

Stonewalling is a form of emotional withdrawal that occurs when one partner shuts down during conflict. It might feel like rejection or a form of punishment, but stonewalling usually isn’t motivated by ill intentions. It’s more often a defense mechanism utilized to protect from anxiety or escalating conflict.

According to renowned relationship experts Drs. Julie and John Gottman, stonewalling is one of the “four horsemen of the apocalypse” — a term they use to describe four unhealthy communication behaviors that can lead to the breakdown of a relationship. After decades of experience studying relationship dynamics, the Gottmans have found that when they become habitual, these patterns in a relationship can be strong predictors of divorce or separation. Here, we’ll discuss the warning signs of stonewalling and how you can avoid it in your relationship.

Common Signs of Stonewalling

When communicated clearly, taking space during an argument can actually be a sign of emotional intelligence and maturity. Stonewalling, however, isn’t about boundary setting. When someone stonewalls, they shut down without expressing a need for space. Here are a few ways it might show up.

Avoiding conflict

Say you ask a question, share a concern, or try to convey how you feel about something. Instead of engaging with you, your partner goes silent, folds their arms, or refuses to acknowledge you. This silent treatment might be coming from a place of self-protection on their end, but you’re left feeling confused and rejected. 

Avoiding eye contact or walking away

Maybe your partner leaves the room or turns their back at the first sign of impending conflict. They might see this as a way to avoid escalation, but for you, it just feels like your issues and concerns don’t matter to them. 

Silent treatment

The silent treatment is more than just taking a beat to cool off. If your partner refuses to speak, respond, or acknowledge you for extended periods of time, it can leave you feeling deeply hurt, powerless, or even questioning your own self-worth. For them, they might feel too paralyzed to engage or fear having difficult conversations, but for you, it feels more intentional. 

Minimizing or dismissing a partner’s concerns

This can show up as “you’re overreacting” or “it’s not that big of a deal.” The stonewalling partner might use these phrases to shut down a conversation before it can even begin. They might think they’re avoiding unnecessary drama, but all the other person hears is that their feelings are invalid.

Unlike gaslighting, which involves emotional manipulation, or passive-aggressive behavior in a relationship, which expresses resentment in indirect ways, stonewalling is often a stress response rooted in being emotionally overwhelmed. That doesn’t excuse the behavior or make it any less hurtful, but recognizing the difference can help couples tackle the issue with more empathy.

How Stonewalling Can Affect Your Relationship

When left unaddressed, stonewalling in relationships can quietly erode trust and emotional intimacy. If one partner repeatedly shuts down when things get tough, the other can be left feeling unheard, unseen, and undervalued. This dynamic can also contribute to:

• Feelings of loneliness or resentment
• A power imbalance in the relationship
• Barriers to healthy conflict resolution
• Emotional detachment, divorce, or separation

This kind of behavior can spiral into a vicious loop where the more one partner shuts down, the more the other grows desperate for connection. The good news is that there are ways to break out of the cycle and learn how to communicate better in your relationship.

“In my experience, if stonewalling keeps happening in a relationship and nobody talks about it, things can get really bad over time. When one person constantly shuts down or avoids communication, the other person starts to feel alone, like their feelings don’t matter. Eventually, both people might stop trying to connect at all. They might start holding in their frustration, and small problems turn into bigger ones. Instead of feeling close, they end up feeling distant and even defensive around each other.” 

– Talkspace therapist Dr. Dion Metzger, MD

How To Stop Stonewalling Your Partner

Changing patterns of stonewalling in relationships takes time, and it starts from a place of understanding, not blame. If you’re the one who tends to avoid and shut down, that doesn’t make you a bad partner. Most of us are just doing our best to cope, and that looks different for everyone. 

If at this point you’re thinking, “I do this, but I’m not trying to hurt anyone;” you’re not the only one. Many people unintentionally stonewall not as a way to punish their partners, but simply to protect themselves. Learning how to stop stonewalling in a relationship starts with self-awareness, compassion, and new communication tools.

“I think the first step is just realizing you’re doing it, that’s already a big deal. Most of the time, stonewalling happens because you’re overwhelmed, not because you don’t care. What helps is learning to slow down and actually figure out what you’re feeling instead of just shutting down. It’s not easy and doesn’t change right away, but with time, even those tough moments can turn into chances to really connect with someone.”

– Talkspace therapist Dr. Dion Metzger, MD

Recognize your triggers and practice self-awareness

The next time it happens, take notice of how emotional overload feels in your body. Does your heart race or your breathing get shallow? Do you feel a strong urge to bail on the conversation? Take these as warning signals to pause rather than shut down. 

Practice self-regulating techniques

Grounding exercises, like breathing exercises for anxiety or a short walk outside, promote better self-regulation. Just be sure to let your partner know what you’re doing first. By calming your nervous system, you can return to the conversation with a better mindset.

Communicate your need for space

When you’re overwhelmed, it can be hard to express yourself clearly in the moment. That’s why it helps to agree ahead of time on a simple phrase or “code word” with your partner—something you wouldn’t use in everyday conversation, like “I need space” or “pause time.”

If you can, say something like: “I’m feeling overwhelmed. I need a break to calm down, but I promise I’ll come back so we can talk.” This can help ease tension for both of you. And when you’ve both agreed on what these signals mean, it builds trust, even during tough moments.

Return to the conversation when you can

Once you feel more settled, keep your promise to return. This builds trust and reinforces to your partner that you care and you’re there, even when things get hard. If you’re not sure what to say, start with, “Thanks for waiting. I’m ready to listen now.” 

How to Deal with Being Stonewalled

It’s hard enough to be vulnerable and share your true feelings with someone, especially when you know doing so could lead to conflict. When that vulnerability is met with silence or withdrawal, it can be deeply painful, like your efforts to connect are being ignored or dismissed. 

While being on the receiving end of stonewalling can shake your sense of safety in a relationship, there are ways to respond that protect your heart while keeping the door open for healthier communication.

“I’d say yeah, it’s horrible to feel ignored, but sometimes when someone shuts down, it’s because they’re stressed or overwhelmed, not because they’re trying to be mean. It helps to give them a little space and focus on calming yourself down, too. Then later, when things aren’t so heated, you can talk about how it made you feel.”

– Talkspace therapist Dr. Dion Metzger, MD

Don’t escalate — stay calm and non-judgmental

When you feel your partner pulling back, your first instinct might be to express your frustration. Instead, take a moment to ground yourself and maintain your composure. With a gentle voice, try something like, “I can sense that you’re overwhelmed. I’m here when you’re ready to talk.” By keeping defensiveness and judgment at bay, you give both parties permission to cool down and return when things feel calmer.

Express your feelings using “I” statements

Try focusing on your own feelings using “I” statements to prevent blame from creeping in and make room for a deeper connection. Opt for “I feel sad and alone when we can’t talk about things” instead of “you always shut me out.” The goal of this communication exercise for couples is to shift the focus away from pointing fingers and help your partner see the effect that their withdrawal is having on you.

Acknowledge how painful it is to feel ignored

It might seem obvious to you, but it’s possible that your partner truly doesn’t realize the emotional distance they’re causing by stonewalling. Acknowledge your pain honestly and with vulnerability. Letting them know how you feel can foster empathy instead of triggering guilt or more withdrawal.

Encourage counseling or communication tools together

For some people, stonewalling might be a deeply ingrained pattern of behavior that they can’t fix on their own. If you’re not making progress working through relationship stonewalling as a couple, suggest resources like different types of couples therapy, books, or online tools. You might approach this kind of conversation with “We both deserve a relationship where we feel heard. Would you be open to working on this together with a therapist?” Framing therapy as a shared effort can also help mitigate defensiveness or blame.

Building Connection After Stonewalling

Rebuilding connection after stonewalling starts with intentional small steps, like showing up for the tough conversations and learning to regulate emotions together. Whether you’re working toward breaking the cycle of withdrawal or discovering how to rebuild trust in a relationship after being shut out, professional support can make all the difference. With Talkspace, couples can access expert help from licensed therapists, on their own schedule and from anywhere. 

Take the first step toward replacing disconnection with dialogue with easy, accessible online couples therapy.

Developing close relationships — whether with an intimate partner, friend, or family member — means sharing our thoughts, supporting each other, and sometimes even choosing to build a life together. What happens, though, when closeness becomes so all-encompassing that the lines between “you” and “me” blur into “us” in a way that there’s no space left for individuality? 

An enmeshed relationship happens when emotional boundaries or our sense of self becomes blurred or even non-existent. Over time, enmeshment can leave people feeling emotionally drained, overwhelmed, or unsure of who they are outside of the relationship. Enmeshment is a troubling dynamic that can plague intimate partnerships, close friendships, or even family ties — especially between a parent and child. 

Signs You Might Be in an Enmeshed Relationship

While the specifics may vary depending on the nature of the relationship, certain telltale signs—such as issues with independence or your sense of identity—tend to crop up when healthy boundaries are lacking. 

Lack of personal boundaries

The absence of clear personal boundaries can be an early red flag of enmeshment in romantic relationships or other close bonds. This can feel like being constantly “on call,” where you’re expected to respond to messages immediately or include the other person every time you make plans. 

Similarly, avoiding making plans with people your partner doesn’t know or get along with can also be a warning sign of enmeshment among couples. Even seemingly pragmatic decisions, like sharing passwords or engaging in shared decision-making, can erode one’s sense of autonomy.

“Enmeshment often stems from childhood environments where boundaries were unclear or where a parent relied too heavily on a child for emotional support. In these situations, children may learn to prioritize others’ needs over their own, confusing love with self-sacrifice.”

– Talkspace therapist Bisma Anwar, LPC, LMHC

Emotional dependence

Some level of emotional dependence in a relationship is healthy, and it’s natural to feel comforted by your partner’s presence or to seek support when you’re having a rough day. However, in an enmeshed relationship, that emotional connection becomes a little too intertwined. For example, you might find your own mood shifting dramatically based on theirs, like feeling down simply because they’re upset, even when the situation doesn’t involve you. 

Carving out your own emotional independence doesn’t necessarily mean withdrawing support. It just means grounding yourself first so that you can show up for the people you love without losing yourself in the process. 

Identity confusion

When you spend every waking moment prioritizing the emotional needs of someone else, it’s easy to forget who you are outside of the relationship. You might start adopting their opinions, hobbies, or even their manner of speaking without meaning to. Maybe you used to love mountain biking, but your partner doesn’t, so now you only watch the shows they watch, spend the weekends with their friends, or make other choices with them in mind.

Finding mutual hobbies with your partner shouldn’t require you to give up your own individual interests. However, when you prioritize togetherness over individuality, it’s easy for enmeshment to take hold.

Guilt or anxiety around independence

It’s not normal to feel anxious about wanting alone time or the space to pursue a personal goal, or to worry about whether it will upset the other person or create distance. Independence is a healthy part of any relationship, no matter how close. If it feels more like a betrayal, it could mean your relationship is too enmeshed.

Keep in mind that needing space doesn’t mean you care any less. In fact, research shows that honoring your own autonomy can actually strengthen the quality and satisfaction of your relationship. By allowing each person to recharge independently, both can show up as their fullest selves during quality time together.

How Enmeshment Impacts Mental and Emotional Health

While being joined at the hip with a romantic partner, close friend, or family member might feel like security or support, enmeshment in romantic relationships and platonic or family relationships alike can actually take a toll on your mental and emotional well-being. The absence of individuality or healthy family boundaries, romantic boundaries, or friend boundaries can lead to a chronic state of feeling burnt out, anxious, or emotionally depleted, as if your energy is constantly being siphoned into managing someone else’s needs.

When your identity is so closely tied to someone else’s needs, it can become difficult to trust your own instincts, and this imbalance can chip away at your self-esteem over time. This can feel like uncertainty about what you really want or second-guessing every decision that doesn’t perfectly align with the other person’s perspective. 

These patterns not only stunt emotional growth but also limit your ability to form healthy connections outside the primary relationship, especially when experienced at a young age. Research shows that adolescents who grow up in enmeshed family systems tend to experience heightened emotional dysregulation, such as increased negative moods and poor physiological stress responses. 

Strategies for Coping and Creating a Healthy Space

Establishing new boundaries might feel awkward or clunky at first, especially if you’re used to being in a relationship without any, but it’s actually one of the most effective ways to protect your mental well-being. If you’re feeling drained by an enmeshed family dynamic, friendship, or other relationship, start with small steps toward autonomy.

Reflect on your needs and boundaries

When we’re so used to prioritizing the needs of others, it can be easy to forget to check in with ourselves, too. Start simple. Ask yourself: What drains me? What restores me? What do I need more or less of in my relationships?

Tuning into your own needs isn’t selfish; it’s necessary for fostering authentic connections with the people in your life. The more honest you are with yourself, the easier it becomes to communicate your needs clearly with others.

Practice saying “no” without guilt

If you have people-pleaser tendencies or prefer to avoid even the smallest of conflicts, saying “no” can be scary. Still, it’s part of setting boundaries and putting yourself first. Start with low-stakes moments like declining an invitation to a casual gathering that you just don’t have the energy for that day. Saying “no” isn’t a rejection of others but a way of protecting your energy for what really matters.

Foster your own identity and interests

This one might feel exciting, overwhelming, or both. If you feel detached from your own self-identity, tune back in by asking yourself: What used to bring me joy before this relationship? What did a typical Saturday look like for me when I was single? What have I always wanted to try? 

Pick up a new hobby, join a rec league, or simply get out of the house and spend a few hours alone once a week. Investing in yourself outside of your relationship creates more space for confidence, growth, and authentic connection with others. 

Set limits on emotional caretaking

You can still be a supportive partner or friend without carrying someone else’s emotional burden. Think about what feels reasonable for you. For example, if you find yourself staying up late to comfort a loved one night after night, it might be time to pause and ask whether this kind of support is sustainable. Setting boundaries around emotional labor not only helps you preserve your energy but also allows you to show up out of choice rather than obligation. 

Consider relationship counseling or individual therapy

Disentangling an enmeshed friendship, romantic relationship, or family dynamic can be messy if the patterns have been ongoing for years or if the other person is resistant to change. Relationship counseling or individual therapy can offer a non-judgmental place to explore those dynamics and teach you how to set a new precedent. Regular sessions can also help establish accountability and prevent you from falling back into old ways. With a little guidance, you and your partner can learn to create more space for individuality without sacrificing your bond.

“Closeness in relationships involves emotional connection and support while still respecting each person’s individuality and boundaries. Enmeshment blurs those boundaries, making it hard to separate one person’s emotions or needs from the other, while secure, healthy relationships create space for both intimacy and personal growth.”

– Talkspace therapist Bisma Anwar, LPC, LMHC

When To Step Back or Reevaluate the Relationship

Unfortunately, not every enmeshed relationship can be transformed into a healthier one. Sometimes, a dynamic can continue feeling emotionally unsafe despite your best efforts. 

Take notice of whether your attempts to set boundaries are consistently met with resistance, guilt-tripping, or dismissal. Do you feel like, despite attempts to change, you’re still doing all the heavy lifting, while your own needs remain unmet? A relationship should allow you to grow and feel whole, and it’s okay to take a step back if things aren’t working. Creating an appropriate amount of emotional distance might mean taking a break in a relationship to reflect, redefine how much energy you give, or, in some cases, ending the relationship altogether. 

It’s okay to leave a relationship that isn’t serving you, even if the other person doesn’t understand right away. It doesn’t mean you failed, but that you took the brave step of choosing to honor your own well-being and create space for relationships that feel mutual and balanced.

Moving Toward Healthier Connection

Breaking out of an enmeshed relationship doesn’t mean sacrificing connection, but rather redefining it in a way that honors both people equally. Healthy relationships are rooted in respect, boundaries, and mutual growth, and setting emotional boundaries allows us to prioritize our own well-being in a way that gives more space for us to show up for others.

The good news is that with the right support, even deeply ingrained patterns can change. Online couples therapy or individual therapy with Talkspace makes it easier to start that journey. With licensed therapists trained in boundary setting, emotional independence, and relationship healing, you can reconnect with yourself while learning how to build healthier, more balanced relationships. 

You can’t quite put your finger on it, but something just seems off. You ask your partner, “what’s wrong?” They quickly respond, “nothing,” but their tone is tense and their body language is closed off. Not to mention, they’ve barely looked in your direction all day. You’re left feeling frustrated, shut out, and confused, so what’s really going on?

Signs of passive-aggressive behavior in relationships aren’t always easy to spot, but their impact can be hard to miss. It might be used as a way of expressing anger or dissatisfaction, often masked as feigned politeness. Whether coming from a partner or ourselves, passive-aggressive behavior usually stems from unspoken resentment, discomfort with conflict, or even learned patterns of emotional avoidance. Over time, this kind of pattern in a relationship can take a toll on trust, connection, and emotional safety.

In this article, we’ll teach you how to recognize passive-aggressive relationship patterns and offer compassionate and pragmatic methods for communicating better in a relationship. 

How To Tell if You’re in a Passive-Aggressive Relationship

If you’re not sure if you’re in a passive-aggressive relationship, start by observing how conflict and frustration are communicated — or left unsaid. Here are some passive-aggressive examples in relationships:

• The silent treatment: Instead of bringing up what’s bothering them, your partner might resort to stonewalling in a relationship, withdrawing emotionally, or refusing to talk altogether, sometimes for hours or even days.
• Sarcasm or backhanded compliments: Comments such as “wow, you’re finally pitching in,” or “thanks a lot” might be said jokingly, but can still sting or signify a deeper issue.
• Withholding affection: Does physical touch, kind words, or support suddenly disappear after a disagreement?
• Intentional forgetfulness: They often tend to “forget” to do something important you requested, whether big or small, like picking up groceries or attending an event.
• Guilt-tripping: Rather than discussing their needs, they jump straight to anger or telling you how you’ve let them down.
• Mixed signals: They may say they’re fine, but their body language — like eye rolls or loud sighs — suggests otherwise.
• Procrastinating shared responsibilities: Delaying tasks for which you’ve agreed to split the responsibility as a way to communicate their unhappiness or avoid being involved.

If any of these behaviors feel familiar, it could be a sign of passive-aggressive behavior in your relationship. However, there are effective yet compassionate ways of addressing these issues.

9 Tips for Addressing Passive-Aggressive Behavior

It’s frustrating interacting with someone who’s displaying passive-aggressive behavior in relationships, but there are ways to respond that foster meaningful change. Remember, the goal isn’t to place blame or shame but to create space for more emotional honesty.

1. Pause and reflect before reacting

It’s easy to get triggered when sarcasm, guilt-tripping, or other avoidant behaviors push all your buttons, but responding with defensiveness only makes things worse. Take a breath, check in with yourself, and think about your response before you respond. What am I feeling? What might be going on beneath the surface for both of us?

Try to be intentional about responding with clarity rather than impulse. A thoughtful response opens the door to meaningful dialogue, while a reactive one can unintentionally reinforce the passive-aggressive cycle you’re trying to break out of.

2. Ask yourself: “Am I being passive-aggressive too?”

Sometimes, we mirror what we’re experiencing, whether intentionally or not. Self-reflection is key here. Maybe you’ve avoided saying what you really feel or, at times, expected your partner to read your mind. Are you hinting at your needs or voicing them clearly? Are you also guilty of using sarcasm without meaning to? Taking responsibility for your role — if applicable — can help move the needle in the right direction.

3. Practice naming the behavior calmly

It can be hard to speak up about things when it feels like you’re constantly walking on eggshells around your partner. However, if something feels off, it’s better to bring up the issue than brush past the tension and pretend you didn’t notice.

Acknowledge what you’re noticing in a clear and kind way. Instead of ignoring the tension, try using gentle language to bring the issue to light without putting the other person on the defensive. For example, you might say, “I felt confused when you said nothing was wrong, but then seemed really quiet afterward.”

4. Invite direct communication

Invite direct communication by reminding your partner that your intention isn’t to criticize or judge them. You just want to understand where they’re coming from, and you can’t do that unless they’re willing to be real with you. If they still seem guarded, it might help to reassure them that establishing a more open dialogue can help both of you feel heard and seen.

5. Set and reinforce healthy boundaries

Healthy boundaries in relationships shouldn’t feel like walls, but rather bridges to deeper connection. Sometimes, you can get through to a passive-aggressive partner by letting them know what you need to feel emotionally safe. This can prevent misunderstanding or resentment from bubbling up. This might sound like, “I want to resolve things with you, but I can’t do that when you shut down or walk away.”

If avoiding conflict feels like the current status quo, setting boundaries can feel awkward at first. However, over time, they can work to build a stronger foundation for trust and respect in the relationship.

6. Don’t reward the behavior with emotional over-functioning

Say you notice signs that your partner seems upset, but instead of saying how they feel, they act distant or make passive jabs. Some people might react to this by tiptoeing around them, offering extra affection, or canceling plans to keep the peace. 

This kind of emotional over-functioning — where one person tries to fix everything — can actually make matters worse. It takes the pressure off your partner to communicate directly, and it keeps you stuck doing all the heavy lifting. Instead, give them space to cool off. When things feel less tense, try making a bid for connection by asking them what’s really going on and whether they want to talk about it.

7. Consider the root cause together

It’s unlikely that passive-aggressive behavior appears out of thin air. Research shows it’s often tied to deeper emotions, like fear of conflict, insecurity, or past experiences where expressing feelings didn’t feel safe. Avoid making assumptions about their intentions. Instead, explore what might be causing the behavior.

Open-ended questions like “Do you think it’s hard to talk about things directly?” or “Is there something that makes it uncomfortable to say what you’re really feeling?” can be an invitation to dive deeper into the root of the problem as a couple. Be careful of trying to psychoanalyze your partner — the goal is simply to create space for more open and honest conversation. Understanding what’s going on doesn’t excuse the behavior, but it can still foster empathy and help you work through the issue.

“Passive aggression typically stems from the inability and or the unwillingness to express emotions. Therapy can certainly help you process what is at the core of your hesitance and help you develop and practice skills for healthier communication.”

– Talkspace therapist Elizabeth Keohan, LCSW-C

8. Use “I” statements to express how it affects you

This communication exercise for couples sounds cliché, but that’s because it actually works. By focusing on your own emotional experience with “I” statements, you can communicate to a passive-aggressive partner how their words and actions are affecting you without assigning blame. Try statements like, “I feel dismissed when you don’t answer my questions honestly,” instead of, “You never tell me what’s going on with you.”

9. Suggest couples therapy or individual support if the pattern continues

Therapy isn’t about pointing fingers or proving who’s right. It’s a tool for learning new ways to communicate, build trust, and understand one another on a deeper level. If passive-aggressive behavior is a recurring issue in your relationship, it might be a sign that you need to go to couples therapy. Seeking professional help through couples therapy can offer new strategies for overcoming the problem.

If you’re nervous to bring up couples therapy to your partner, try reframing it in a way that emphasizes your intentions, not fears. You could say something like, “I care about us and I’m committed to our relationship. I think talking to someone could help us understand each other and grow stronger as a couple.” Think of it as a team effort rather than a last resort.

“Relationship therapy does not have to wait for a crisis! Proactively getting professional help, to offer perspective, can help both parties take a step back. Too quickly, indirect communication can turn into an unnecessary competition whereby it is so much more important to keep respect at the core, and consider differences, from a clear space. A therapist can help facilitate this in a safe and healthy way. A no-brainer.”

– Talkspace therapist Elizabeth Keohan, LCSW-C

Moving Forward With Clearer, Kinder Communication

Repairing a passive-aggressive relationship takes time, trust, and consistent effort on both sides, but it’s possible. Even small moments of honest communication are a step in the right direction. 

If you’re ready for more support, pursuing online couples therapy with Talkspace makes getting help easy and accessible. Our licensed therapists specialize in communication challenges, relationship tension, and fostering emotional growth. From tackling emotional distance to dealing with relationship burnout, Talkspace can help you navigate every bump in the road. With flexible online therapy options, you can take the next step toward a happier relationship on your schedule and in your own space today.

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A note about AI: On the Talkspace blog we aim to provide trustworthy coverage of all the mental health topics people might be curious about, by delivering science-backed, clinician-reviewed information. Our articles on artificial intelligence (AI) and how this emerging technology may intersect with mental health and healthcare are designed to educate and add insights to this cultural conversation. We believe that therapy, at its core, is focused around the therapeutic connection between human therapists and our members. At Talkspace we only use ethical and responsible AI tools that are developed in partnership with our human clinicians. These tools aren’t designed to replace qualified therapists, but to enhance their ability to keep delivering high-quality care. To learn more, visit our AI-supported therapy page.

If you’ve hit a rough patch with your partner and aren’t sure who to talk to, you’re not alone. When emotions run high, communication can get tricky. It’s natural to look for a neutral third party as a sounding board for advice. 

As artificial intelligence (AI) becomes more advanced and integrated into our daily lives, you may have already used AI chatbots, like ChatGPT, as your go-to source for all kinds of advice. When it comes to matters of the heart, does ChatGPT give good relationship advice? What are the limits to what ChatGPT can do for your relationship?

In this article, we’ll explore how relationship advice from ChatGPT may be helpful and where its use is limited. 

Why People Turn to ChatGPT for Relationship Advice

It can be challenging to find someone to talk to about your relationship. Sharing with friends or family feels too personal, or they may be too close to the situation to give you impartial relationship or dating advice. 

Getting relationship advice from ChatGPT can have some advantages over turning to family or friends. Unlike friends and family, a chatbot is available at any time of the day. That means you can talk to ChatGPT at 2 am after a fight or during your lunch break when you’re worried you’re overthinking in your relationship. Additionally, a conversation with ChatGPT is anonymous, which may make it easier to be honest, and it gives you the freedom to discuss relationship problems without the fear of being judged or misunderstood by the people you’re involving. 

What Kind of Relationship Advice Can ChatGPT Offer?

While ChatGPT isn’t a therapist, it can be useful for some types of relationship advice and handling common relationship problems. Below, we’ll discuss some examples of where ChatGPT does give good relationship advice. 

General communication tips

If communication is an issue in your relationship, ChatGPT may be able to offer some general tips for improving your communication. If you ask ChatGPT for communication exercises for couples, you may get advice such as:

• Create a safe space for you and your partner to express your thoughts and feelings without judgment
• Practice active listening and reflect back what you heard to make sure you understood your partner correctly
• Use “I” statements instead of “you” statements to reduce blame
• Set aside regular time to talk
• Avoid bringing up the past
• Take breaks if things get heated
• Regularly acknowledge and appreciate each other’s efforts and positive qualities

Although these tips are pretty general, they’re a good reminder to reflect on how you and your partner communicate.

“Practicing for difficult conversations is always a good idea. Whether you jot down your thoughts and have them with you during the conversation, or you practice with a trusted friend, or discuss it with a licensed mental health professional it is crucial to feel prepared for important conversations in life. The use of AI may offer another way to help prepare if you are stuck finding the words or tone for a difficult conversation, while it doesn’t take the place of speaking from your heart it might help you get unstuck.”

– Talkspace therapist Jill Daino, LCSW-R, BC-TMH

Conflict resolution techniques

Disagreements are a part of any relationship, so it’s important to understand some common conflict resolution techniques. ChatGPT can give you some techniques to resolve conflicts in a relationship with more awareness and care, such as:

• Pause before reacting
• Look for common ground instead of trying to win
• Stick to one issue at a time
• Use calm language 
• Use the XYZ formula — “When you do X in situation Y, I feel Z.”
• Set a time limit on the argument
• End with a connection, even if the conflict isn’t resolved

Empathetic language and support

Sometimes, the hardest part of having a tough conversation is knowing how to express yourself in a supportive way that your partner can really hear. If you’re not sure how to express yourself without sounding critical or defensive, ChatGPT may be able to offer suggestions for more empathetic phrasing. 

For example, if you’re feeling frustrated with your partner for being distracted or on their phone when you try to talk to them, ChatGPT may be able to help you bring this up. It can suggest more empathetic ways to express your frustration, which might lead to a more productive conversation. You could explain the situation to ChatGPT and ask, “How can I phrase this without sounding annoyed or accusatory?” ChatGPT can make suggestions for more thoughtful and empathetic language to start a constructive conversation.

Common-sense perspectives

When relationship problems create heightened emotions, it can be difficult to see your situation clearly. ChatGPT may be able to offer a calm, common-sense perspective on your problems, which can help you take a step back and see the bigger picture. 

After describing your relationship problem to ChatGPT, it may be able to point out common patterns or suggest reasonable next steps. ChatGPT relationship advice is often steady, neutral feedback, or it points out things you already know. For example, ChatGPT may say, “It’s okay to take a break and revisit the conversation later,” or “It’s normal to have ups and downs in any relationship.” 

These kinds of responses aren’t groundbreaking, but they can be reassuring when you’re feeling overwhelmed or unsure. At the very least, they might help you take a step back and look at the situation with a bit more clarity.

Limitations of Using ChatGPT for Relationship Advice

While ChatGPT can be a helpful tool for thinking through your relationship challenges, it definitely has its limits for relationship advice.

Not a licensed therapist

ChatGPT can feel supportive, but can you use AI for therapy? It’s important to remember that a chatbot is not a licensed therapist and doesn’t understand human emotions. The relationship advice ChatGPT offers is based on patterns in language, not clinical judgement, lived experience, or emotional insight. Even though using ChatGPT as a therapist may feel and sound like the real deal, this AI tool doesn’t actually understand your situation. 

Unlike a licensed therapist, ChatGPT isn’t held to any ethical or professional standards. If it gives unhelpful or even harmful advice, there’s no accountability or protection for you.

Cannot understand emotional nuance or history

If you’ve ever stressed that a friend might misunderstand your sarcastic text, you know how hard it can be to convey emotional nuance with text alone. ChatGPT faces these same challenges, except it’s not human and doesn’t truly understand your emotions or tone. Although a chatbot is available 24/7, it doesn’t know your deep personal history or who you are as a person, the way people in your life, like friends, family, or your therapist, do. 

No memory in most versions; no continuity between chats

Most versions of ChatGPT — including the free versions — don’t remember one conversation from the next. That means if you start a new chat with a follow-up question, ChatGPT won’t remember what you’ve already told it. To continue a previous conversation, you’ll have to explain your conversation again, which can be frustrating. 

Even if you have a version of ChatGPT with memory, its memory is still limited and still isn’t the same as talking to a human you’ve formed a real emotional connection with.

Lacks context about your partner or dynamic

With no memory or knowledge of your history, ChatGPT only knows the information you tell it at the moment. That means it doesn’t have any insight into your or your partner’s personality, values, or your shared history. ChatGPT can’t observe your relationship dynamics or pick up on subtle patterns or shifts over time. 

With limited, one-sided information, ChatGPT lacks a deep understanding of all the layers at play. ChatGPT can offer general suggestions that sound reasonable but aren’t based on the full context of your relationship. 

“While it is tempting to want to have an “answer” to relationship challenges, the reality is human beings are complex and so are the interactions between people in a relationship. The challenge with turning to AI for relationship advice is that AI simply does not know you or your partner and the nuances of being human. The dynamics that contribute, the history, the context and all the subtleties that make up a relationship cannot be boiled down to an AI response. Unfortunately, relying on AI can lead to generic responses without real insight into the people involved, potentially creating more difficulties along the way.”

– Talkspace therapist Jill Daino, LCSW-R, BC-TMH

May provide irrelevant information

While ChatGPT can generate quick suggestions, it often pulls from patterns in language and large data sets rather than a clear, tailored understanding of your situation. This can result in answers that sound polished but don’t actually address your specific question or circumstances.

In some cases, ChatGPT might even provide relationship advice that feels completely irrelevant or off-base, especially if your question is complex or layered. That’s because it lacks the human ability to ask clarifying questions, pick up on nuance, or verify the accuracy of its responses with real-world knowledge. While this doesn’t necessarily make ChatGPT unsafe, it does mean you should approach its advice with caution and a critical eye.

Can be overly neutral or “safe”

Without an emotional connection or memory of your history, ChatGPT relationship advice can be surface-level or detached from your situation. That’s because ChatGPT is designed to respond without taking sides or making any assumptions. If you turn to ChatGPT for guidance, you might get a response that doesn’t validate your experience. 

In some cases, a neutral or general response can be helpful. In fact, a 2025 study found that some participants in couples therapy actually preferred responses from a generative AI tool over a human therapist. Although a neutral stance can be helpful sometimes, it can also leave you feeling unseen and unsupported when you’re looking for empathy or clarity. 

When To Rely on ChatGPT vs. When To See a Human

Asking ChatGPT for relationship advice can be helpful in certain situations. ChatGPT may help if you’re feeling stuck and unsure of how to approach a difficult conversation with your partner. It can help you brainstorm ways to express yourself, explore a different perspective, or practice the conversation by role-playing. 

There are clear limits on using relationship advice from ChatGPTthough. ChatGPT isn’t the right tool to help you deal with trauma, abuse, or serious relationship crises. ChatGPT can’t offer appropriate clinical support or personalized care like a human can. 

For long-term issues or deep emotional processing, it’s best to talk to a licensed therapist to help you process complex emotions and offer support that’s grounded in real understanding and accountability. 

Final Thoughts: Can ChatGPT Give Good Relationship Advice?

Whether ChatGPT relationship advice is good or not depends on what you’re looking for. If you need a non-judgmental space to explore your thoughts, rehearse difficult conversations, or get general communication tips and dating advice, ChatGPT can be a helpful tool. It’s always available and can offer you a neutral perspective. However, using AI for mental health support isn’t a replacement for emotional intimacy, personalized support, or professional guidance. ChatGPT doesn’t know your full story and can’t truly understand human emotions. 

If you’re seeking personalized guidance for your relationship, online therapy platforms like Talkspace can offer the tailored support that AI simply can’t provide. Online therapy with Talkspace can give you many of the same conveniences as ChatGPT, such as flexible scheduling and private access from the comfort of your home, but with a human touch. Connect with licensed online therapists who can listen with care and insights to help you navigate deeper issues. 

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