Like any romantic partnership, lesbian relationship issues can be complex. While every relationship faces difficulties, lesbian couples often encounter additional hurdles that are specific to our community. From dealing with societal stigma and harmful stereotypes to navigating internalized homophobia and even rejection from family or friends, these challenges can have a lasting impact on the emotional and psychological well-being of the relationship.

Any lesbian relationship problems discussed here remind us how important it is to build a strong partnership with a deep emotional connection and solid foundation. Your relationship should be grounded in open communication, trust, and mutual respect. Equally important is finding a community — whether through chosen family, other queer couples, supportive friends, or online spaces — where you can share experiences and feel seen and heard.

Let’s explore lesbian relationship advice from experts, so you can strengthen your bond and create a loving, resilient relationship.

Common Lesbian Relationship Challenges

The types of relationship challenges many lesbian couples face can parallel their identities and life experiences. Societal prejudices, internalized homophobia, and a lack of family acceptance can weigh heavily on relationships. Understanding the root of the stress you and your partner are experiencing is the first step in addressing and overcoming it. 

Societal prejudice and discrimination

Experiencing prejudice and discrimination can hurt your relationship on several levels. It can harm your sense of self and cause you to shut yourself off from others. Over time, societal adversity can cause emotional strain and chronic relationship stress that feels impossible to recover from. 

Known as “minority stress,” prejudices against minority groups (like same-sex couples) may range from blatant, overt discrimination to subtle biases that are embedded in everyday social systems and practices. Research shows how damaging this form of stress can be, on an individual level and for couples.

For example, many laws today fail to protect LGBTQIA+ rights. Societal attitudes that devalue same-sex relationships can cause some queer couples to feel unsupported at best, and unsafe in the most extreme cases. There’s also the pain that stems from ingrained beliefs learned in childhood, like the idea that a particular lifestyle is “wrong,” “immoral,” or “unnatural.” The issues can become even more intense when lesbian couples raise children together. Families today might be denied memberships to institutions, and parental rights can be challenged or go unrecognized. 

Experiences like these serve as a stark reminder that there’s a desperate need for systemic change. Protection helps ensure acceptance and equality for any relationship, including lesbian couples.  

Internalized homophobia

Internalized homophobia is based on the idea that harmful societal attitudes can be internalized and negatively impact or cause damage to same-sex partnerships. According to studies, high levels of internalized homophobia make it less likely for people to be in intimate, secure relationships at all. 

Internalized homophobia is something many of us in the lesbian community may struggle with, even if we don’t always realize it. It’s the result of harmful societal attitudes about same-sex relationships that we’ve unknowingly internalized, and it can negatively affect our relationships in ways we might not fully understand. For lesbian couples, this challenge can create a silent rift that impacts intimacy, security, and trust. According to studies, high levels of internalized homophobia make it less likely for people to be in intimate, secure relationships at all. 

When internalized homophobia takes root, it can show up in many forms, including:

• Self-doubt about your worthiness of love or happiness
• Fear of being open about your relationship with others
• Hesitance or anxiety about showing affection in public
• Confusion around what “being out” really means for you and your relationship
• The constant worry of being rejected by others or even by each other

If not addressed, internalized homophobia can cause tension and misunderstandings that might destroy what could have otherwise been a loving, committed relationship.

Family and social acceptance

Family dynamics play a critical role in most adult relationships, but this is especially true for queer couples. Partners might face rejection by family members with conservative belief systems or from those who buy into cultural norms that reject same-sex lifestyles. This kind of rejection can create deep emotional challenges and stress within the relationship.

Interestingly, studies show that lesbian and gay relationships can be more stable than heterosexual ones. In fact, 1% of lesbian couples call it quits each year, compared to 2% of heterosexual couples.

However, even when family members don’t outright reject the relationship, conditional acceptance can still create tension. This is when the relationship is tolerated under certain circumstances but isn’t fully embraced or supported. The lack of full familial support can feel isolating and especially stressful for couples who are trying to blend their lives and families. It’s important to recognize how much this can affect both individuals in the relationship.

12 Relationship Tips for Lesbian Couples

While societal pressures and unique challenges may add complexity to a relationship, the good news is that building a strong, healthy, mutually supportive relationship is possible as long as you’re both willing to do the work.

The following lesbian relationship tips will help you and your partner strengthen your bond, find mutual growth, and celebrate the love you share. 

1. Embrace each other’s uniqueness

Both partners in a relationship bring individual qualities. Ideally, each is willing to celebrate those strengths and differences. Lesbian couples who focus on understanding one another develop respect and appreciation for what each brings to the relationship table. 

2. Find community and allies together

Having a community to rely on is crucial for emotional support. Early on, you should build a network of friends, allies, and other LGBTQIA+ couples who can all offer you support. Use online forums, local organizations, and community events to find comfort, camaraderie, and a safety net of support.  

3. You don’t have to fit a mold (but it’s okay if you do)

Some people find strength and community in labels or identities that resonate deeply with who they are. Others may feel boxed in by expectations or stereotypes that don’t reflect their lived experience. Both are valid.

What matters most is how your identity and relationship feel to you. If a label or role feels empowering, great. If it feels limiting, you’re allowed to let it go. The goal isn’t to reject identity altogether, but to untangle yourself from harmful or rigid expectations that create pressure, tension, or disconnection.

Ultimately, it’s about honoring what feels natural, healthy, and affirming for you and your partner.

“Lesbian stereotypes are common. They can influence how individuals see themselves and how they relate to partners. Through self-reflection, people can better understand which aspects of identity feel authentic and which may come from outside expectations. Joining a support group can provide a caring space to challenge stereotypes that don’t resonate with you, while also helping individuals embrace their uniqueness and learn how to advocate for themselves.”

– Talkspace therapist Dr. Olga Molina, D.S.W., LCSW

4. Understand each other’s queer history

Everyone’s journey with their sexual identity is different. That’s why it can be so helpful to have open conversations about each other’s pasts. Understanding one another’s background and experience with coming out, previous relationships, or struggles with finding acceptance can strengthen your emotional connection.

“Communication among couples is one of the most important things to do in order to understand each other’s past experiences and be able to empathize more effectively. This helps couples to embrace their commonalities as well as their differences.”

– Talkspace therapist Dr. Olga Molina, D.S.W., LCSW

5. Be respectful of family dynamics

Dealing with family dynamics can be challenging for any relationship. You might need to come to terms with rejection or learn to cope with conditional acceptance from relatives. 

Setting family boundaries and prioritizing open communication can create an unbreakable bond that helps you rely on and trust each other, even if the family support is lacking. It also ensures there’s compassion that might be lacking in traditional familial connections. 

6. Embrace the fluidity of gender roles

Some lesbian relationship problems result from couples challenging traditional gender roles. In reality, though, embracing the idea that gender roles can be fluid might actually create opportunities for a more equitable partnership. When you’re both able and willing to openly embrace fluidity, your relationship becomes one that’s based on mutual strength and trust, not societal norms. 

“Therapy can help couples redefine traditional gender roles by increasing self-reflection and communication to better understand the complexities of lesbian identities and unique couple relationships.”

– Talkspace therapist Dr. Olga Molina, D.S.W., LCSW

7. Communicate your needs

Research suggests that lesbian couples may be more content in their relationship compared to heterosexual couples simply because they have more emotional support from their partner. A key part of this relies on healthy, effective communication, which is the cornerstone of a successful relationship. 

Being transparent with your partner means trusting them enough to openly discuss your desires and life goals. By sharing emotional, physical, sexual, and logistical needs, you’ll prevent many misunderstandings and reach a deeper level of intimacy.  

8. Be each other’s best friend

In a perfect world, your partner is your best friend. A relationship based on true friendship is powerful. When partners are best friends, they can create a bond that means they’re more likely to survive challenging times. 

9. Make space for unconventional relationship milestones

Lesbian couples can have milestones that differ from heterosexual couples, influenced by societal expectations or family dynamics.

It’s important to find special ways to celebrate the traditional (and unconventional) milestones in your relationship. You should be able to feel the same sense of accomplishment and joy that any other couple might. 

10. Prioritize personal and shared growth

All couples grow and change over time. It’s a natural (and healthy) part of life. Personal growth means you can thrive as individuals, bringing new perspectives and energy to the relationship. 

Setting shared goals to grow as a couple is essential. Whether related to careers, hobbies, your future, or financial status, wanting to grow together creates a sense of unity. When you find ways to balance aspirations with shared ambitions, your partnership will evolve over time. 

11. Don’t treat each other like roommates

When couples have been dating for a long time, it can become easy to fall into a rut where you feel more like roommates than romantic partners. Being aware of your relationship dynamics helps you see patterns early on, before you turn into people who cohabitate rather than genuinely enjoy being together. 

It takes work, but putting in the time pays off. Going on date nights and spending time together doing things you enjoy are healthy ways to keep the spark alive. 

12. Nurture your relationship with couples therapy

Couples therapy tailored to LGBTQIA+ relationships can provide you with valuable tools. It helps you navigate common relationship challenges, like dealing with conflict, tackling relationship insecurity, or correcting poor communication habits. 

Finding an LGBTQIA+ friendly therapist who’s experienced and trained in helping members of the LGBTQIA+ community is worth it. These mental health professionals are equipped to understand the pressures unique to lesbian relationships. They can offer inclusive support to help you overcome any obstacles in your relationship. 

Strengthening Your Relationship with Support

A healthy relationship takes effort, open communication, and respect. For lesbian couples, it means having the right tools and support so you can overcome things like societal prejudice, internalized homophobia, and family dynamics. While these difficulties aren’t totally unique to lesbian couples, they’re often more pronounced than what couples in a heterosexual relationship might face. Yes, it might feel overwhelming, but overcoming your challenges isn’t an insurmountable feat. 

Getting solid relationship advice and the right​ mental health support is critical to maintaining a healthy, loving partnership. Therapy can be a safe space for you and your partner to work on improving communication, deepening emotional intimacy, and learning how to resolve conflicts in a relationship. Working with a Talkspace therapist who’s skilled in offering LGBTQIA+ therapy can make all the difference in the world. 

If you’re trying to navigate your relationship or looking for positive ways to grow together, explore individual or couples therapy options from Talkspace. Online therapy can help you resolve lesbian relationship issues​ and work through personal mental health concerns, so you can create a relationship that will survive the test of time. 

Learn more about online couples therapy and LGBTQIA+ affirming therapy with Talkspace today.

Internalized homophobia happens when a person absorbs society’s negative attitudes toward LGBTQIA+ identities and unintentionally applies them to their own self-image. Over time, this can lead to self-doubt, sexual shame, and discomfort with your own sexuality or gender identity. 

These feelings aren’t a reflection of your self-worth. They’re a natural reaction to living in a world that, for far too long, has told LGBTQIA+ identifying people that they don’t belong. Learning how to overcome internalized homophobia is a powerful act of healing, self-acceptance, and unlearning harmful beliefs. In this article, we’ll explore how to recognize internalized homophobia, understand its roots, and develop the tools to combat it. 

Recognizing the Signs of Internalized Homophobia

Internalized homophobia can be sneaky. It doesn’t always announce itself loudly. Sometimes, it slips quietly into your thoughts, your relationships, and even the way you see yourself. Learning how to deal with internalized homophobia starts with recognizing how it might show up and cause problems in your daily life.

Negative self-talk and shame

Have you ever caught yourself thinking, “I shouldn’t talk about this part of myself,” or “ Things would be easier if I were different”? Feelings of guilt, embarrassment, or discomfort related to your sexuality or gender are hallmarks of internalized homophobia. These patterns don’t just appear out of nowhere. They’re learned over time, often from growing up in environments where identifying with the LGBTQIA+ community wasn’t seen as fully valid or acceptable. 

Research shows that over time, internalized homophobia can affect self-esteem and contribute to mental health challenges like anxiety or depression. However, once you start noticing that voice, you can start challenging it and offering yourself more kindness instead.

Fear of coming out or being openly LGBTQIA+

Coming out is a deeply personal choice, and there’s no “right way” to do it. If fear is the only thing holding you back, especially in safe spaces, it might be a sign that internalized homophobia is still at work.

You might dodge conversations about your identity, avoid LBGTQIA+ spaces, or feel anxious about being “too obvious” when it comes to your sexual orientation. These feelings are completely understandable, especially when you’ve spent years consuming messages that being yourself is wrong.

It’s not about forcing yourself to come out if you’re not ready. It’s about being honest with yourself about what’s driving the fear and knowing you deserve to live openly in your own time and on your own terms.

Judgment of other LGBTQIA+ individuals

This one can be tough to notice and even tougher to admit. If you find yourself judging other LGBTQIA+ people for being “too much” or “too loud,” it might actually say more about how you’re feeling toward your own homosexuality.

Society teaches us a lot of subtle (or not-so-subtle) lessons about what’s considered “acceptable.” Judging others can sometimes be an unintentional way of protecting yourself from those same homophobic judgments. In a way, it’s like saying, “I’m not like them, so maybe I’m better.”

It’s okay if you notice this happening. Staying curious about where those feelings and thoughts are coming from can be a powerful first step toward greater self-acceptance.

Difficulty in relationships and intimacy

When you’re carrying around deep-rooted beliefs that you’re not good enough or lovable, those feelings can make relationships complicated. You might struggle with emotional closeness, feel anxious about being seen for who you really are, or even push people away before they get too close. 

Studies show that internalized homophobia can make it harder to build satisfying and trusting relationships. Learning to recognize these patterns gives you the opportunity to work through them and open yourself up to the kinds of connections you truly deserve.

The Impact of Society and Culture on Internalized Homophobia

So much of our worldview is shaped by the ideas and media we’ve been exposed to throughout our lives, and the same goes for internalized homophobia. It’s often the result of growing up in a world where being queer wasn’t fully accepted, or worse — where it’s treated as something to hide, fear, or change.

“Societal and cultural attitudes impact how people see themselves by setting expectations about what is considered “normal” or “acceptable”. This is especially true when it comes to identity and sexuality. This can lead to shame, confusion, or low self-esteem. I often see this in people I work with who struggle to fully accept themselves because of fear of judgment or rejection.”

– Talkspace therapist Bisma Anwar, LPC, LMHC

Early messages that stick

Children are highly impressionable, and the messaging we receive at a young age can stick with us for life. Some common examples include:

• Movies that only showcase straight love stories
• TV shows where queer characters are the punchline
• News headlines that paint LGBTQIA+ rights as “controversial”

Although representation has improved in recent years, negative stereotypes surrounding homosexuality and limited portrayals of queer individuals and relationships still have an ongoing impact.

The role of culture and religion

Cultural and religious values undoubtedly play a role, too. If you grew up hearing that homosexuality was “wrong,” “unnatural,” or “a phase,” those ideas can linger, even if you no longer subscribe to them. Family expectations, community pressures, and broader societal norms all make it that much harder to fully accept and find peace with who you are.

Recognizing where these harmful homophobic messages come from is part of the healing process. It’s not that there’s anything wrong with you, but that you’ve been taught to question yourself. Once you can see that clearly, you can start to unlearn it. 

Strategies for Overcoming Internalized Homophobia

Learning to overcome internalized homophobia is a process. Challenging long-held negative beliefs takes time, self-reflection, and a lot of patience with yourself. Thankfully, there are practical, evidence-based strategies to help you move toward greater self-acceptance and healing.

Educating yourself about LGBTQIA+ history and experiences

When societal messaging only tells part of the story, it’s easy to internalize limiting beliefs about what it means to be LGBTQIA+. Learning about the full richness of LGBTQ+ history, including the activism, resilience, and culture, can help rewrite those narratives.

Educating yourself about historical figures like Harvey Milk or Marsha P. Johnson or learning about milestone events like Stonewall can remind you that you’re part of a long and powerful history of strength and pride. Studies show that feeling connected to LGBTQIA+ history and queer communities can increase self-esteem and reduce feelings of isolation.

Whether through books, documentaries, podcasts, or community events, seeking out sources that celebrate LGBTQIA+ identities can help you unlearn internalized homophobia and see yourself in a new light.

Challenging negative thoughts and replacing them with affirmations

Internalized homophobia often shows up in how we talk to ourselves. It can present as inner thoughts like, “I don’t belong,” or “I’ll never be fully accepted.” The best place to start is by paying attention when these thoughts pop up and gently questioning them. Ask yourself: Is this thought based on facts or fears? What would I tell a friend who felt this way?

Replacing critical thoughts with affirmations like “my identity is valid” or “I deserve to be loved exactly as I am” can go a long way in helping rewire how you see yourself over time.

Seeking community and connection

Healing doesn’t happen in isolation. Being around people who affirm and celebrate your true self can accelerate progress. Whether it’s joining a local LGBTQ+ group, attending Pride events, or finding safe spaces online, connection matters. Research consistently shows that social support is a protective factor for LGBTQIA+ mental health, helping to buffer against the harmful effects of stigma.

Practicing self-acceptance and self-love

Self-acceptance isn’t about pretending everything is perfect. It’s about making space for all parts of yourself, even the ones society may have taught you to hide. Prioritize self-care by surrounding yourself with affirming allies and setting boundaries with unsupportive people. Even small habits like journaling or mindfulness can help reinforce your sense of self-worth. 

Engaging with role models and positive representation

Representation matters — not just in the media but also in the stories you surround yourself with. Seeking out role models who live openly and authentically can help you expand your vision of what’s possible for your own life. Whether it’s reading memoirs, watching interviews, or following activists or creators on social media who inspire you, filling your world with affirming voices can help counteract old narratives of shame, fear, and homophobia.

“Unlearning ingrained homophobia can bring up feelings of guilt, shame, and confusion. This process can be emotional and intense but ultimately leads to self-acceptance. Therapy helps by providing a safe space to explore these feelings, unpack harmful messages, and build a more compassionate mindset.”

– Talkspace therapist Bisma Anwar, LPC, LMHC

The Role of Therapy in Addressing Internalized Homophobia

Learning how to overcome internalized homophobia can be challenging, especially when you’ve carried those feelings for a long time. Therapy can be a powerful support system during this process, offering a space where you’re fully seen, accepted, and encouraged to grow.

A LGBTQIA+ affirming therapist can help you explore your identity without fear of judgment or rejection. These specialized therapists create an environment where you can talk openly about your individual experiences, challenge harmful beliefs, and build healthier ways of thinking about yourself.

Therapeutic approaches that support healing

Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is a form of talk therapy that focuses on identifying and reframing negative thought patterns — a skill that can be particularly helpful when unlearning internalized stigma or bias. Research shows that CBT tailored for LGBTQIA+ individuals can significantly reduce depression, anxiety, and substance abuse.

Affirmative therapy is another option worth exploring. It’s designed specifically to support LGBTQIA+ individuals and those questioning sexuality by creating a safe, nonjudgmental space to explore identity, challenge deep-seated fears of family or social rejection, and build self-acceptance. Therapists trained in affirmative therapy can offer tools to help you reconnect with yourself and remind you that there’s absolutely nothing wrong with being exactly who you are.

Moving Forward With Pride and Confidence

Healing from internalized homophobia is a journey no one has asked to embark on. Some days will feel easier than others, but every step toward self-acceptance is a small win that deserves celebrating. Embracing your full identity means allowing space for growth, joy, and community. You deserve to live with pride and confidence, surrounded by people who value and appreciate you no matter your sexual orientation. 

If you need support along the way, Talkspace offers flexible and affordable online LGBTQIA+ therapy that can connect you with affirming therapists who are ready to help you move forward with strength, guidance, and self-love. 

If you’ve ever felt embarrassed, broken, or afraid because of your sexuality, you’re not alone. Sexual shame runs deep, often stemming from the messages we absorbed growing up, from our culture, religion, families, or past experiences. It can show up as guilt after intimacy, fear of being judged, or even a sense that something is fundamentally wrong with you. These feelings can have a dark, negative impact on everything from self-esteem to relationships to your ability to feel safe and connected in your body. However, sexual shame doesn’t have to be permanent. 

Whether you’re coping with the effects of sexual assault or trying to shake off years of silence and stigma, you can learn how to overcome sexual shame. It won’t happen overnight, but it is possible, especially when you have the right tools.

In this guide, we’ll explore how to overcome sexual shame through education, support, and self-compassion — so you can move toward the kind of intimacy and connection you deserve. If you’re struggling with shame and sexuality, read on to find self-acceptance and undo harmful beliefs.

Recognizing the Signs of Sexual Shame

If you want to learn how to overcome sexual shame, you must first understand how it affects your thoughts, behaviors, and relationships. You need to identify and address any unhealthy thought and behavior patterns surrounding sex. There are several harmful ways that feelings of shame around sex can manifest in your life. 

Negative self-talk and body image issues

Sexual shame can cause feelings of embarrassment and unworthiness during sexual activity and other intimate encounters. It might include things like: 

• Avoiding nudity (even in non-sexual situations) 
• Having an unhealthy body image — feeling shame or discomfort about your body 
• Hesitating to initiate sex, even with a trusted partner, out of fear of being judged
• Feeling guilt during or after you’re intimate
• Having intrusive thoughts before, during, or after sexual encounters
• Avoiding self-pleasure because of guilt or cultural or religious taboos
• Being unable to accept compliments 
• Suppressing your sexual desires

Difficulty discussing sex or intimacy

It’s not uncommon for people with sexual shame to find discussions about sex or intimacy difficult, even if they’re in a safe space with someone they trust. This can be true for rape victims, someone who identifies as LGBTQIA+ or is questioning their sexuality, or anyone dealing with shame and sexuality in general​. 

It might be difficult to use sexual terms, hear others talk about sex, or see erotic or sexual scenes in movies or other media. Ultimately, though, the discomfort, fear, and feeling “wrong” for sexual desires could prevent you from developing intimate relationships.

Guilt or anxiety around pleasure 

Studies show our brains are wired to seek pleasure. We want rewards, and we like being satisfied. However, sexual shame can cause distress and self-judgment when exploring sexuality. For example, someone might not masturbate because of the guilt they experience — they might believe that some or all sexual activity is inherently “wrong.”

Struggles with intimacy and relationships

Sexual shame can cause some people to avoid intimacy or disconnect from their partner. They might have an intense fear of rejection due to a perceived (often false) flaw that prevents them from connecting with their partner on a deep emotional or sexual level. 

Over time, that lack of closeness and satisfaction in their relationship can be harmful. It can lead to depression, loneliness, or being unable to get aroused or have an orgasm. 

Steps to Overcome Sexual Shame

Healing sexual shame takes work, but you can do it. Through self-reflection and proactive tools, it’s possible to overcome your fears and cultivate healthy, intimate, sexual relationships.

Identifying the root of shame

The most important part of overcoming sexual shame is knowing where your attitude about sex originated from. Many people find it’s rooted in cultural conditioning or past experiences that caused sexual shame and trauma​. 

As you reflect on the origins of your shame, you’ll likely realize your belief system doesn’t serve you. Then, you can start changing how your attitude toward sex influences your life, sense of self, and relationships.

Challenging negative beliefs and replacing them with self-acceptance

Reframing your thoughts is a powerful technique. It’s an effective way to regain control and overcome the shame you feel about sex. Replacing shame-based thinking with self-compassion will reaffirm that sexuality is a natural and healthy part of your life. 

To accomplish this, you should:

• Identify the negative core beliefs you hold about sex
• Challenge those unhealthy thoughts
• Learn about cognitive restructuring — where you replace distorted thoughts with balanced, kind, and realistic ones
• Use daily affirmations
• Practice mindfulness and self-compassion so you’re aware of your thought processes without judgment

Educating yourself about sexuality and body positivity

Look for sex-positive resources that foster body positivity and help you build confidence about your sexuality. The following resources will educate you and replace misinformation with knowledge: 

• Read books and articles on sex-positivity 
• Follow reputable influencers, educators, and advocates on social media
• Take an online class 
• Attend a sexual health workshop
• Listen to podcasts
• Explore diverse sexual identities and experiences
• Find educational resources on self-love and body positivity

Practicing open and shame-free communication

Practicing proper communication exercises for couples is essential in any healthy relationship. Discussing your emotions and sexual desires with a trusted partner can normalize the topic of sex and intimacy, helping you overcome shame over sexuality​. 

Topics to discuss while practicing open, shame-free communication include: 

• Boundaries
• Pleasures
• Desires
• Past experiences that contribute to your shame
• The importance of using clear, respectful language
• Your true feelings or fears about intimacy 

Engaging in self-exploration without judgment

Connecting with your body through mindfulness exercises, movement, or self-touch will help you embrace your own sexuality without fear of judgment. It’s imperative that you feel safe when exploring your feelings. 

Accomplish this by:

• Meditating
• Keeping a no-judgment journal
• Exploring your body
• Seeking out and joining inclusive communities
• Using expressive art
• Trying not to compare yourself to others
• Seeing a therapist 

Working through shame with a therapist

There’s a lot you can do to overcome sexual shame on your own, but therapy adds a layer of safety that promotes even more growth. Sex-positive counseling is based on research that supports the idea that sexuality is linked to mental health. It focuses on achieving or maintaining positive sexual health to improve relationships and deepen connections. Think of it as a safe space where you can address deep-seated shame and get the tools you need to heal, especially if you’re dealing with sexual shame trauma​. 

Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) and mindfulness techniques are therapeutic and known for their ability to reframe negative beliefs about sex. Studies show that CBT for PTSD and trauma-related depression from sexual abuse can be effective after just 6 – 12 sessions. Trauma-informed therapists are trained to help you process past events that might be contributing to sexual shame.

“Sexual shame can be such an untapped undercurrent to stress in a relationship. Much like finances, we can assume a lot of things about our partners and sometimes that can trap one into unnecessary fear of exploration, learning, asserting and most importantly communicating. Releasing shame, allows for more growth, maturity and also enjoyment. Get some help deconstructing assumed ideas, in order to grow as a partner. Sometimes perspective is all we need in order to understand how much we stand in our own way!”

– Talkspace therapist Elizabeth Keohan, LCSW-C

Moving Forward with Self-Acceptance and Confidence

Overcoming sexual shame isn’t something that happens overnight. It’s a journey that relies on self-compassion. Healing from sexual shame is an intensive process that relies on self-acceptance, education, and unlearning harmful beliefs. It can be difficult to embrace the idea that sexuality is a natural and healthy part of the human experience. With help, though, you can work toward greater self-confidence, self-worth, and fulfillment. 

If you’re looking for professional guidance, Talkspace is an online therapy platform that offers convenient, affordable access to trained, licensed mental health professionals who specialize in unpacking shame and recovering from trauma. Finding the right support will be an invaluable part of your healing journey. 

If you’re ready to heal from sexual trauma or reframe your shame into positive attitudes about sex, reach out today. Explore online therapy options, including LGBTQIA+ therapy resources, and tools for survivors of sexual trauma. No matter your need, Talkspace is there to help.

Updated 03/21/24

Discussions about sexual orientation are often focused on sexual attraction toward a specific gender. However, some people feel little to no sexual attraction to anyone, regardless of the type of gender. This is where the discussion of the asexuality (which is its own sexual orientation) spectrum begins.

While approximately 1% of the population identifies as asexual (or as “an ace”), it’s likely that many more people have similar thoughts and feelings. It’s important to note that asexuality isn’t the same thing as abstinence or celibacy, where a conscious decision is at play. So, what does it mean to be asexual? It’s feeling no (or very little) sexual arousal or attraction to anyone at all, even if someone is or has been sexually active in the past.

If you don’t feel sexually attracted to others, you’re not alone. There’s a lot to understand about what the asexuality spectrum really means, and we’re breaking it all down here.

Defining the Asexuality Spectrum

Understanding the asexuality spectrum is crucial in recognizing the diverse experiences within the Ace (asexual) community. This spectrum encompasses various identities, including the three most commonly identified subsections: asexual, demisexual, and gray asexual. 

Not everyone on the asexuality spectrum will have the same sexual intimacy, feelings, or experiences. Just because an ace person isn’t sexually attracted to a specific gender doesn’t mean they don’t have the same wants, needs, or desires as everyone else. 

Asexuality itself is simply the absence of sexual attraction towards others, serving as a baseline within the spectrum. Demisexual individuals experience sexual attraction only after forming a deep emotional connection, whereas gray asexual (gray-A) people might only occasionally feel sexual attraction or do so under specific circumstances. Collectively, these identities highlight the spectrum’s complexity and the importance of acknowledging each person’s unique experience with sexual attraction.

Types of Asexuality

Sexual orientation describes how you experience sexual attraction. It specifically refers to feelings of sexual desire. While asexuality is a sexual orientation, different types of asexuals experience it in different ways. Asexuality is a spectrum, and there are several different types of asexual people. 

People in the ace community may fall anywhere on this asexual spectrum:

Asexual

As discussed, the term asexual describes the sexual identity of someone who doesn’t experience sexual attraction to others. Some people who are asexual may still experience sexual desire, while others may not have any sexual feelings at all. 

Greysexual

Sometimes referred to as “gray aces” or “gray-a,” people who are greysexual are primarily asexual. However, these members of the asexual community may enjoy sexual behavior under very specific circumstances, or they might experience sexual interest on rare occasions.

Demisexual

People who identify as demisexual will only feel sexual attraction once they have a strong emotional connection to someone else. Although people who are demisexual are on the asexual spectrum, they’re more likely to engage in sex than people who are asexual or greysexual.

“Asexuality is different from abstinence, where someone chooses to not have sexual contact regardless of their sexual urges. Someone with an asexual identity is not necessarily someone who has never engaged in sex. Asexual individuals don’t feel sexual attraction towards people of any gender and it is also considered a type of sexual orientation. It is important to clarify that asexuality is not a medical or mental condition or diagnosis. It is a sexual orientation in the same way that homosexuality, bisexuality, and pansexuality are.”

– Talkspace therapist Bisma Anwar, LMHC

Understanding the Diverse Attitudes Toward Sex

Within the asexuality spectrum, individuals’ attitudes towards sex vary significantly, reflecting the complexity of their experiences and feelings about sexual activity. These attitudes range from sex-negative to sex-neutral, and even to sex-positive, each offering a unique perspective on how asexual (or Ace-spectrum) individuals engage with the concept of sexuality.

Sex-negative

For a sex-negative asexual person, sex seems unpalatable or even disgusting. While asexuals who are sex-repulsed might not believe sexual activity is morally wrong, they do find it to be extremely unpleasant.

Sex-neutral

A sex-neutral asexual individual can feel indifferent to sexual activity. They don’t have any strong positive or negative feelings about sex, and may not think about it much at all.

Sex-positive

While sex-positive aces don’t experience sexual attraction, the feelings they have about sex and sexual things are generally favorable. They may see sex as a normal, healthy part of life. Some sex-positive asexuals may even choose to have a sexual relationship.

Romantic Orientation

While asexuals might not experience primary sexual attraction, they may still have romantic connections with others. In fact, approximately 74% of asexuals say they experience romantic attraction. The asexuality spectrum is broad, and feelings about sex, romantic orientation, and romance can vary greatly from person to person.

Aromantic

Sometimes referred to as “aroaces” or just “aro,” aromantic describes those who don’t have any (or very little) feelings of romantic attraction. An aromantic asexual is more likely to avoid sex than some other asexual types. An aromantic person simply may not feel any need to connect on that level, either physically or emotionally.

Greyromantic

As the name implies, greyromantic asexuality falls into a grey area. While they don’t usually feel any sort of romantic interest, someone who’s greyromantic may have romantic feelings for another person at some point in their lives.

Demiromantic

People who are demiromantic can have romantic feelings towards others, but they’re not able to develop them until after they’ve become very close to someone. Some people who identify as demisexual also identify as demiromantic.

Biromantic

When people are bisexual, they experience sexual attraction to both males and females. Being biromantic is similar, but it refers to romantic feelings.

Heteroromantic

When someone only has romantic feelings for people of the opposite gender, heteroromantic attraction and heterosexuality often go hand in hand. However, people who are asexual may also identify as heteroromantic.

Homoromantic

Someone who’s homoromantic exclusively feels romantic desire for people of the same gender. Asexuals of any gender can experience homoromantic attraction.

Panromantic

Someone who is panromantic has romantic, emotional feelings and connections to all people, regardless of gender. For panromantic people, gender has no influence over romantic attraction.

Polyromantic

While there are similarities between polyromantic and panromantic attraction, people who are polyromantic can have a romantic attraction to many (though not necessarily all) genders. Their attraction doesn’t always include sexual attraction, though.

Asexuality vs. Sexual Arousal Disorder

Asexuality can often be misunderstood as sexual interest/arousal disorder. The difference between the two is that asexuality is the lack of sexual attraction, and sexual interest/arousal disorder is the lack of sexual desire.

The Bottom Line

When discussing asexuality, it’s important to remember that not all asexual people have the same experiences with sex and romance. Some may choose to have sex even though they don’t feel sexual attraction. Others may have no interest in sex or any romantic relationship at all.

There are many asexual types, and not everyone who identifies as asexual experiences their sexuality in the same way.

People who feel little to no sexual attraction don’t have to follow any specific rules or meet any specific criteria about the emotional, sexual, or spiritual connections and relationships they have in life. Asexuality is both a spectrum and a sexual orientation and identifying as asexual may help some people form a healthier view of themselves.

Asexuality is not a condition, and there’s no “treatment” you need if you’re questioning your sexuality or how you identify. However, heteronormative views are common in the United States. They can be a contributing factor to the discrimination and abuse felt by so many people who don’t express “traditional” (as established by our society) sexual orientation, sexual identity, and/or gender roles.

“Asexuality is not something that needs treatment or intervention. If a person is looking for support and affirmation in regards to their sexuality and/or sexual orientation, then therapy can be really helpful.”

– Talkspace therapist Bisma Anwar, LMHC

For anyone who doesn’t align with society’s expectations of things like gender identity and sexual orientation, the rates of mental health conditions like anxiety, depression, and self-harm are staggering. Specifically regarding ace-spectrum people, the little research that has been done shows that ace-spectrum youth are likely to experience higher rates of anxiety and depression than even the LGBTQIA+ community (which is already drastically higher than the cisgender population).

If you’re sexuality or gender questioning and you need help, it’s available. Talkspace offers online therapy and has therapists who are skilled, trained, and experienced in affirmative therapy, which was designed specifically to treat the mental health needs of minority populations. Find a LGBTQIA+ therapist today.